My Head Covering Story

I think it's about time to have a post on head coverings. Now, almost 4 months (!) after the wedding, I've been covering my hair partially or fully every day since the wedding.

Before Emet and I got married, I knew I wanted to cover my head. I spent time reading Jewish texts on the topic to determine my reason for covering and how much I was going to cover.

Jewish law requires that married women cover their hair. The origin comes from the Sotah ritual, a ceremony described in the Torah that tests the fidelity of a woman accused of adultery. In the ritual, the priest covers the accused woman's hair as part of the humiliation that precedes the ceremony (Number 5:18). From this, the Talmud concludes that under normal circumstances, women were required to cover their hair (Ketubot 72a).

The Mishnah in Ketubot (7:6) says that a woman appearing in public with uncovered hair (and talking to a man who is not her husband) is grounds for divorce and indicates that this violation is Dat Yehudit, which means Jewish rule, as opposed to Dat Moshe, which is typically considered laws from Moses. This difference in categorization suggests that hair covering is not an absolute obligation originating from Moses at Sinai, but instead is a standard of modesty that was defined by the Jewish community. Hence, the Talmud presents a compromise between Dat Moshe and Dat Yehudit with the law stating: minimal hair covering is a biblical obligation, while further standards of how and when to cover one's hair are determined by the community. The Talmud elsewhere says that uncovered hair is considered sexually erotic and prohibits men from praying in sight of a woman's hair.

From here, community standards have decided what type of head covering and how much. For example, some women cover a smaller section of their head, while other women completely cover their hair.

When I was researching types of hair covering and what I would be comfortable with, I also was thinking about WHY I wanted to cover my hair.

My reasoning for covering my hair:
1. A change in status: Covering my hair indicates that I have a change in status. I'm not single anymore.
2. To remember that there is always someone above me: HaShem and Emet are both present in my life in different ways. I think about my head covering as a way to remind myself that I am blessed every day and to remember Emet's needs.

Since I recognized that covering is not a facet of modesty for me, I determined that I don't have to cover my hair fully if I don't want to. I go back and forth between my head coverings, depending on the weather and my preference for that day. Lately, I've only worn a warm hat, which I don't take off when I'm not at home. It took my some time to master how to tie the head scarfs in a way that I liked, but I've got the hang of it now.

Some women cover their hair all the time, including in their home. I tend to uncover my head in my own home, but if we have lots of guests over, I will cover because it doesn't feel right otherwise.

I had never considered how it might make me feel to cover my head. I sometimes have dreams about leaving the house without my head covered and it feels so wrong!

I'm glad I decided to cover my hair. It helps me to connect to the past, and it keeps me grounded. I'm sure in the future, I'll change the way I cover my hair, either less or more depending on the time of year and how I'm feeling, and it feels right to me. Shabbat shalom!

Eating Well During the Holidays

You think this will be a post about how to eat well during the holidays, and in some ways you would be right, but in others, you would be very, very wrong.

It's hard to eat well. When you go to Chanukah parties and you are tempted by multiple servings of delicious latkes and sufganiot (jelly donuts).

When the only food they have for you is chocolate and latkes, you eat them. You're hungry and they are hard to resist. I mean, look at them. They are amazing, greasy, and tasty. I even had some latkes made out of carrots. Do you think I felt better eating those? For about 5 minutes.

I'm not suggesting to NOT eat them. In fact, Chanukah just isn't Chanukah without a latke, but I know when I've had my fill. And I've reached my limit.

I'm expecting to skip the latkes now. No more oil for me, thank you.

Changing Life Habits

It's been a while since the last blog post! Probably because Emet and I have been very busy with work, settling into Denver, a trip to Atlanta for Thanksgiving, and other things.

Our big initiative that we've been working on since the beginning of December is a natural cleanse. We've made the decision to only buy organic foods, reduce the products and cleaners in our home that contain harmful chemicals, and overall try to live a cleaner life. It's not without its difficulties, of course. Cost is a major concern of ours, and this month, we are tracking all expenses related to this. We've been tracking expenses since we got married with Mint.com, and now we're just making sure that going clean won't break the bank!

You might have heard about the Clean 15 and Dirty Dozen. These are lists of produce that should be bought or avoided. While we are buying all organic produce, it's still very important to know about them. The Environmental Working Group ranks produce based on pesticide residue.

The following fruits and vegetables rank the highest for pesticide residue (Dirty Dozen):
1. Apples
2. Strawberries
3. Grapes
4. Celery
5. Peaches
6. Spinach
7. Sweet Bell Peppers
8. Nectarines - Imported
9. Cucumbers
10. Cherry Tomatoes
11. Snap Peas - Imported
12. Potatoes

Now, for the Clean 15 - those fruits and vegetables that retain the least amount of pesticides:
1. Avocados
2. Sweet Corn
3. Pineapples
4. Cabbage
5. Sweet Peas - frozen
6. Onions
7. Asparagus
8. Mangoes
9. Papayas
10. Kiwi
11. Eggplant
12. Grapefruit
13. Cantaloupe
14. Cauliflower
15. Sweet Potatoes

The Clean 15 have the fewest pesticide residue, which means that it's possible to buy non-organic if you are worried. However, we figure - how much are we really saving if we buy these non-organic? A few dollars? We want to make sure that we are eating the best choices for our bodies and that's worth more than a few dollars. The complete list is available over on EWG's website.

Reducing your intake of pesticides and chemicals is proven to promote a healthier outcome in the long run, and that's what we are hoping for. All the chemicals contribute to illnesses and allergies. These chemicals and pesticides are things that our ancestors didn't have to deal with, and they suffered from significantly lower incidences of allergies and illnesses.

I have suffered from allergies since childhood, and because food allergies have increased dramatically since then, I want to make sure that I don't develop any more allergies, many of which have come about as a result of the pesticides and chemicals present in our food.

Emet has reactions to oats and wheat, so we are trying to eat more frequently a Paleo-Vegetarian diet. Emet will sometimes have kosher meat, but not too often. (I'm not trying to convert her to my vegetarian diet, I promise!) We have cut back our intake of breads and pastas, and we are focusing more on vegetables and beans. We all know I have a problem with sugar, so that is something we are also working to eliminate. Instead, we're eating more fruits, which is great for the digestive system!

With all these changes, we are working to plan our meals better, which I've found very difficult. What if I don't want a salad for dinner? Planning to have variety is most important so we don't get bored with our food. The more variety, the happier the belly.

In the future, we are hoping to phase out unnatural sunscreens, lotions, shampoo and body wash, and cleaning supplies by making our own! I'll keep you posted!

Things I Learned About Being a Wedding Guest from Planning my own Wedding

I learned a lot about weddings while Emet and I planned our own. Not only have I become more familiar with how to plan one, but I've also begun to understand how to be a better guest.

1. Send out a save the date!
We were a little untraditional and sent out save the dates almost six months in advance. We decided this was a good thing because half of our guests would be coming from out of town, and it's important to be early in booking hotels and flights. Our guests really appreciated the early save the date, since many had already made plans for that weekend! You don't have to send it out as early, but it actually worked out really well for us!

2. It's important to RSVP correctly and to notify the couple immediately if anything changes.
We were thrilled that people started telling us early on if they were coming, but it was hard when they notified us that they weren't coming. Not only were we sad they couldn't come, but it changed our numbers. We were so unsure how to estimate numbers for our caterer, but it all worked out in the end. We abided by the 5% rule. When our RSVP date passed, we took that number and subtracted 5%. Plus, we didn't count all the children as full adults, and even with a few people not coming the day of the wedding, we ended up having the perfect estimate. We never thought that people who had RSVP'ed would change their mind or get sick and not be able to come, but that happens a lot. I'll make sure as a guest at someone's wedding to be sure to RSVP on time and let them know if something changes ASAP.

3. Planning a wedding is hard. Don't complain.
You never know how many people you can invite or how to fit everyone at the tables. One thing I've learned is not to complain! Especially not to the couple getting married. We had limits on the people we invited because it's expensive to have a big wedding and we didn't want to spend an exorbitant amount. So, of course, we didn't invite absolutely everyone. That would be insane and ridiculous. People were invited because we wanted them there, but we also couldn't invite everyone we would have liked. The couple should never feel bad about not inviting people or inviting certain people to the wedding. It's their decision. I know that just because we invited people to our wedding does not mean an automatic reciprocal invite. You never know the couple's finances or limitations. It's best to be grateful if you were invited and not to feel hurt if you weren't.
From figuring out table assignments, I realized that the couple getting married should not have to worry about if this person gets along with that person at a table. The point of the event is to celebrate the couple getting married and that as a guest at any wedding, I am not the center of attention. If I have issues with people at a table, I need to put those aside or simply be cordial.

4. I will always bring a card to the wedding, and if I am sending a gift after the wedding, I will be sure to notify the couple's parents or the couple themselves so they know to expect it in the mail.
We were completely surprised and humbled by the gifts people gave, especially those who came from out of town. It was most helpful to us when people notified that they would be sending something after the wedding. We knew to expect it in the mail. We didn't want a card to be lost. The worst thing is thinking that you lost a card or gift from a guest.

5. Enjoy it!
It is so exciting to share in the joy of two people making a public statement to join two families. It's an honor to be invited, and it's a pleasure to enjoy everything. Knowing all the work that goes into planning a wedding, I know that I will be extremely grateful in the future for any wedding I'm invited to.

Being In-between Queer/Jewish

As Emet and I have settled into Denver, we've make a huge effort to get involved in the Jewish community and find a place there with friends, knowing where to daven, and soon, to continue learning. It has been easy - Emet's connected through the day school and we go to services almost every week at a different synagogue.

At the same time, we haven't spent so much energy on getting involved in the queer community. We have excuses - time, distance, being tired after a long day - but for some reason, this week, we didn't need any excuses.

We visited Charlie's this week, a queer country dance bar. There are all sorts of interesting people there, many in cowboy boots, hats, and denim, but also one woman in a 1950s petticoat dress, (because it was zombie crawl night) many people wearing zombie gear, and a few in drag.

They have free dance lessons at 8 and you get a free drink for participating. Then, the country music continues and everyone seems to know the dances. We are working on two-step and a waltz, and at some point, we want to go to the lesson to learn the line dances.

I felt that the place is just amazing. It's not a I-have-to-grind-into-you-in-order-to-dance kind of place. People were just out there having fun.

I bring it up because the topic of straddling two worlds/communities has come up a lot lately. As observant Jews, it makes sense for us to be involved Jewishly, but at the same time, as queer Jews, we want to be out and involved in queer spaces, too. Often, the two can't/don't mix and we're forced to choose.

It's been a while since I had gone to a gay club, and it's both comforting and isolating. We deal with very different issues compared to other observant Jews and other queer people, and it's hard to figure out where we fit 100% of the time. 

We are determined to try our best to be involved in both, but it definitely isn't easy. Even so, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Yom Kippur 5775

A new friend recently said that Yom Kippur is her favorite holiday, and at first, I was taken aback. Really? Of all the Jewish holidays that one could favor - Chanukah for presents and lighting candles, Pesach for large seders with family, even Tu B'Shvat for the celebrating trees and eating different fruits, not even mentioning Shabbat with friends, good food, and rest - of all holidays, Yom Kippur is the favorite? She explained that it's the one day she can truly focus on death and feel all sorts of emotions. It's helpful to have a day of cleansing, focusing on sadness, our faults, atonement, and hoping to be better in the year to come. Sometimes, all you need is a big cleanse to feel better. I hadn't thought of Yom Kippur that way, but it was completely true.

Each High Holiday season, I have participated in 10Q, which emails me questions each day between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I answer the questions and then my answers are sealed in an online vault unit the following year. I get to receive my old answers the next year and then the cycle begins anew.

I realized I've been doing 10Q since 2009, and I read over all of my previous answers this year. I realized I have really changed - not only my goals and aspirations, but in terms of my knowledge as well.

I also saw that as the years went on, I became more attune to personal change. One year, I wanted to focus on saying no to others and doing what I wanted to do. Another year, I wanted to focus on being more grateful - a goal I still have. And yet in another year, I wanted to work on self-confidence and ignoring other people's opinions.

It's this time of year that I think a lot about how I can improve myself, and even when things are chaotic - like now, having just had a wedding, getting married, changing my name, moving to a new city, starting a new job, and of course working on being a better partner - I often revisit my goals and aspirations at the High Holidays because it is a time built into the year that I can do some self-reflection.

Like my friend mentioned, it's a time that you can really focus on the hard realities of life. This time of year is always hard. My aunt Rhona died on Yom Kippur in 11 years ago this year, and each year, I think back to that time. The High Holidays are always a time of self-reflection and personal goal setting as well as a time of mourning. On this one day, I give myself the space the mourn and reflect on all the ways I didn't live up to my own standards this year.

At the same time, I know that while I'm thinking of all the wrongs I have committed this year and all the bad (and good) that has happened this year, time continues to move forward, and I'm ready after Yom Kippur to face it.

Last year, being in Israel and at Pardes, it was so easy to think about all these things, but it is much more difficult now (see CHAOTIC above). Even so, I'm looking forward to Yom Kippur. I have plenty to atone for and plenty to thank Gd for.

May we all take some time, regardless of if you keep Yom Kippur or if you are Jewish, to think about the ways that we can become more aware of the ways that we can improve our world and ourselves - either through attitude, situation, or action.

גמר חתימה טובה

Emet's Perspective on the Wedding

I had a very different wedding experience than Jess did. I’m assuming that in part this is because we’re different people, but I also think that being apart for 7 days ended up meaning that we experienced things differently as well.

7 days apart was hard. It felt tortuous not to be able to see Jess for that period of time. It’s such a vulnerable period of time and you’re not able to connect with the person that you rely on the most during that period of time of intense excitement and anticipation. Not only was that difficult but the fact that we had so much coordination to avoid each other during events before the wedding was not optimal and it just came with the territory. I’m not saying that it wasn’t worth it - there was definitely a heightened emotional experience that came with it, and it was nice to be able to experience that. But I do wish every moment of everything that came before we would have be able to experience together as a shared memory- and I was definitely sad when there were times that I missed out on seeing Jess’s family or having her family and my family be together when there was so little time during the weekend.

The first part of the wedding experience that ended up varying greatly was the mikveh. We went to different mikvehs. At the one that I went to, I had a very long conversation with the attendant and a bride’s mother beforehand, so when the attendant presumed that I was a bio male, it felt very strange to get into a conversation about my gender identity. Her presumption was not anything out of the ordinary, but knowing that I had to strip down, I was wondering if it was going to be awkward. Of course, in this situation at least, the attendant did not see me naked or check to make sure that my dunks were kosher.

I was probably in the mikveh for an hour and a half doing meditations. This was very tiring for me. While this is what a lot of people want, it was not right for me. I was exhausted and over heated from being in the warm water. The place I went to was a legitimate spa, in addition to a kosher mikveh. For me, I felt that I needed to create my own spiritual experience and not have one created for me. I wanted it to be mine, and not what someone else's version of spirituality was. I would have much preferred to stick with something more traditional, but that’s something that I will know for the future.

The wedding itself seems like it happened so quickly. Almost everyday since I have returned I wonder that it actually happened. I felt like I needed a whole week after to keep celebrating because it all went too fast. I kept willing the seconds to stop, to pause, to not move forward. But they did of course keep moving, that was all part of it.

It was weird, in some ways it didn’t even feel like a wedding was about to happen. I was mostly alone or with my Mom the weekend before. I guess you somehow picture there will be a million people around you all of the time kind of like in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and everything is crazy getting ready and pictures taken right before. But I drove down myself to the hotel to get there earlier than the rest of my family, and then hung out with friends. I kept thinking that the moment would never arrive for me to get ready, and then all of a sudden it was past the time, and I madly ran into the shower and hastily threw some clothes on. My friend Milo snapped a few shots as I was getting ready and then it was time to hurry and get going. 

Getting ready

I jumped in my father-in-law’s van at the hotel and was dropped off at the synagogue. As smoothly as our wedding day went, there are always still some kinks to work out. I felt glad that I got there to be able to clarify things or help get them to where they needed to be. I was warned that at a wedding, nothing ever goes perfectly and something unexpected always happens (and no one ever really notices or finds out), but to be honest, that was not really the case with ours. Yes, were there little things. For example if we had practiced the wedding 10 times before, it would have gone more smoothly. But overall I have no complaints. It’s the nature of being a part of something with a lot of people that are all trying to accomplish many tasks.

So, then all of a sudden, I was there at the synagogue waiting for Jess, and I was so nervous. She touched my shoulder and as I turned to look at her, I just lost it emotionally. I had missed her so much and here she was, my beautiful bride, the same person she always was, but transformed into a Queen for the day.

Then everything was in fast forward - we talked to people during cocktail hour (missing many of the delicious appetizers!) and each gave our dvar torah, our moms broke a plate during the vort, and then we were off to get married. We signed the ketubah and we did the bedeken.

The moment that she walked down the aisle with her parents was so real, so emotional, it was the culmination of everything that we had been waiting for, had worked for, had planned for, and I felt so joyous and emotional all at the same time.

Once the ceremony ended we were off to yichud for a much needed moment to catch a bite to eat and reflect on the day so far. And it’s almost completely unbelievable. You don’t really even believe it. And when we got introduced and did our first dance, that was the part I was most worried about screwing up, and I thought I would be so concentrated, I would forget to smile, but it all went perfectly and I couldn’t help but smile the whole time (the practicing had paid off). 

Finally when we did the hora and were lifted up on our chairs it was like the peak of the evening, and kind of like a metaphor for life, sometimes you’re a little up and sometimes you’re a little down, but my goodness I know that being together with Jess on this life we’ve started is always going to be one hell of a ride.

The Wedding

We got married! Just in case you were holding your breath to hear that. Everything went so well, and the wedding was over so quickly!

The week leading up to the wedding was hard. Being separated was very, very difficult. When we were about to part on the Sunday prior to the wedding, there were lots of tears and questions about why we separating, but we did it after discussing the reasons why. It gave us a week of anticipation, nervousness, wonder, and emotions. I cried a lot. It's hard being separated from your partner for a week, especially for us, since we have been so incredibly lucky to have so much time together. All week, we sent notes back and forth and we texted. Because we planned a lot of the wedding details ourselves, we needed to be able to discuss when we had issues. Even so, we knew we wouldn't text over Shabbat, the day before the wedding, and we agreed not to text the day of the wedding.

Emet left Wednesday night for LA, and I went on Thursday. Once we were in LA, things felt more real. I met my family at the airport and we drove up to the suburbs to get together the gift bags and some other things. It was weird being back there without seeing Emet. Then, back in LA, our family started to arrive, and it was so unreal. By Friday, Emet and I were both hoping Shabbat would go quickly, since we weren't texting. I ended up hanging out with my parents and my grandmother, taking a nap (since I hadn't slept well in over a week), and generally stayed put in the hotel room, reading.

Saturday night, Emet and I had to play Tetris in the hotel during the dinner, and we assigned my sisters to make sure that we wouldn't see each other. When Emet was downstairs at dinner, I was in the room. Then they moved Emet to a safe location, and I appeared in the dining room. It was weird to know that our guests saw Emet, but she was elusive to me.

I expected Sunday, the day of the wedding, to be chaotic and nerve-wrecking, but it was so smooth. I davened in the morning, spending time thinking about every person who both wanted a prayer and who I thought needed one. I expected to feel more spiritual on the wedding day than I did, but it was still good.

During the morning, it seemed time dragged on, and I couldn't wait to see Emet. I hung out with my sisters for a while, and eventually we went to get our hair done. I was extremely hesitant to do this, since I wanted my hair to look natural, nothing over the top. It ended up being perfect. The hairdresser who did my hair had married his boyfriend the year before, and I'm pretty sure that we were the only English speaking clients. They were amazing, though. He put in the veil and we were all very satisfied with their friendliness and their work.

After our hair appointments

Then, I stayed in the room getting ready with my sisters. Devon took some amazing photos, as usual.

All of a sudden, it was time to go to the synagogue! I didn't want anyone to see me so when we went down to get in the car to go to the synagogue, my sisters played "Secret Service Agents" again and made sure there was no one to see me. We got to the synagogue and I was nervous to see Emet, after having not seen her for a week.

Just before I went down to see Emet for the first time

Our photographer was there, as were our videographers, and I didn't know how everything would work. Luckily, I was too preoccupied to think about the things that could go wrong that day! In that last photo, there were stairs to the right, and I went down them to see Emet. I could see her back, and then suddenly I was there behind her. I put my hand on her shoulder, and she turned around and started crying. We both started crying. It was just the two of us, there in time. I know there were others around us, but it didn't matter.

After a little while, our families came and we continued with photos. Then, everyone started showing up, and time just wouldn't stay still.

We greeted everyone, our mothers broke a plate, we gave dvar Torahs, and then we moved into the room to sign the ketubah. It is completely gorgeous, specially done for us by our friend, and it's just perfect. Once we signed the ketubah, Emet put the veil over my face - I was crying. I'm pretty sure everyone was crying in the room. Our families and two witnesses plus the photographer and videographers were all in the room with us and the rabbi and cantor.

I remember walking down the hall to get to the back of the sanctuary. My parents held my hands tight. I was jittery. When I got down to the bottom of the aisle, where Emet was, she started outright bawling. It was so sweet and authentic.

The ceremony was a blur. I was there, but it was just fast. I got nervous reading the Hebrew at the end of our vows. Our rabbi was absolutely amazing and our cantor did such a great job. We couldn't have been happier with our choices for the ceremony. It was a mostly traditional wedding service, though we altered the Sheva Brachot slightly. At one point, I was told afterward that everyone up on the bimah with us (our families) was crying. It was just so moving. Emet mainly broke the glass - I attempted to help, but let's be honest, her shoes were better equipped for breaking glass.

The sanctuary

Then we were alone in yichud. Thankfully, there was some food, which was delicious, and we savored the 30 minutes alone that we had.

The rest of the night just came and went. We did our first dance, hopefully staying on beat the entire time to "The Anniversary Song." Unfortunately for us, the synagogue only had folding chairs, so for the hora, I was terrified either Emet or I would fall, so it only lasted a few rounds of the song. Thankfully, we did not get injured. Our caterer was fabulous, our DJ was right on, and everything was perfect. Our parents and sisters gave toasts. We danced, we ate a little, we threw a stuffed pomegranate (instead of a bouquet), and we cut and ate some cake that had our small clay pomegranates that we bought at Yad Lakashish on it. The cake was white with white frosting and strawberries. It was delicious.

Our tables

Overall, the entire day was amazing, and we can't wait to get more pictures back from our photographer and the video! All these photos are what were uploaded on to WedPics. If you want to see more photos, email me and I can send you the code to see them.

Thank you to everyone who joined us and made the day special. We can't wait to continue celebrating this year and into the future. We are so thankful and grateful of everyone who helped us get to this day - our families, our rabbi, our friends both here in the US and in Israel, our photographer, caterer, videographers, and DJ. It was amazing. We couldn't have asked for anything better.

The end of the night!

Shabbat shalom!!

Mikvah

I went to the mikvah for the first time yesterday. I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect, even though our kallah teacher told us about it and friends have explained. It's not the same until you do it yourself.

I drove up and rang the doorbell. This mikvah was in an old building, and they are trying to raise funds to renovate. Though this is an inclusive mikvah, meaning any woman can go, regardless of if she is Orthodox or not, the attendant who answered the door was clearly Orthodox. She was the only person at the mikvah at that time. No one else was there. The usual time to immerse is after nightfall, but special immersions, like a kallah (bride), can happen during the day.

She led me into a bathroom with a tub, toilet, and vanity. The floor was uneven and had cracks in it. You had to watch where you stepped, so that you didn't trip. It didn't have that nice, clean, well-kept feel I had expected, but it was definitely clean. In the bathroom, there were Q-tips, cotton balls, mouthwash, floss, toothpaste, shampoo, and body wash. She said I could shower, but since I had just done that at home, I took a few minutes to look around and used the mouthwash. I had prepared at home so that I was comfortable in my own space.

Then I called her, and we walked into the next room which had the mikvah in it. She checked the bottom of my feet for hair. I was nervous. I was going to have to be naked in front of her, and I was wondering if I'd do it right. I was also thinking about cleanliness. But soon, I just took off the robe and went down the stairs.

A mikvah (not the one I used).

My first dunk wasn't enough so I had to do again. She said, some women will jump a little so that they will go completely under the water. So I jumped a little for my next dunk. It was kosher. She handed me the prayer card to say the blessing and a washcloth to put on my head. Then I dunked twice more.

I walked back up the stairs and put the robe back on. She started giving me blessings of good health and happy marriage, etc. We walked back into the bathroom, and she quickly left me to clean up. I debated taking a shower there, but I decided against it. I would take another when I got back home that night. When I walked out to pay, she gave me a little certificate for my first time and some moisturizer.

I had to immerse our new pots and pans, so I asked her where that mikvah is. She walked and told me to drive around to the other side of the building. When we went outside, there was lots of thunder and ominous clouds. I thanked her and she scurried off.

Of course, it started storming. Rain, lightning, thunder, and then hail. It lasted for 20 minutes while I sat in the car. I didn't think there was symbolism in that. It's Denver. It storms. Finally after a while, I was able to get back out and immerse the pots and pans.

One thing that was really great about the experience was that the attendant didn't ask me about my husband! Usually, in more religious situations, I have to nod my head or change my pronouns to pretend that my spouse is male, but she was really respectful. She didn't ask about a husband, and she gave me lots of brachot (blessings). I mentioned I was nervous, and she was nice. She didn't even ask questions about the wedding anything about my spouse, and that contributed to me feeling comfortable. Perhaps it is because the mikvah is supposedly for the individual woman, not her spouse (depends on who you talk to), so the focus is on her.

I was proud of the many mitzvoth I did, but I feel like there could be something more meaningful about the mikvah. Maybe it would be more meaningful in nature for me, but it didn't feel very symbolic or spiritual. I still want to introduce a meaningful ritual, so I'll be continuing my research and try to come up with something.

Either way, even if I don't go back monthly, I'm glad I did it.

A Week Before the Wedding

Today is officially a week before Emet and I get married. We've come a long way from that night in Jerusalem, and it seems unreal. Tonight, we will be separating for the duration of the week and will next see each other in LA on our wedding day.

Both of us have been busy these last few weeks as we've settled into Denver, and the wedding was pushed to the back of our minds - although it was always there. We made sure we got things completed that needed attention, but for the most part, we've been busy with other responsibilities. Even so, we made sure to practice our first dance a few times, at least.

Now, we are a week from the wedding. This week, Emet will be working, and I'll stay elsewhere. I'm going to the mikvah on Tuesday, and Emet is going on Thursday. She flies on Wednesday, and I fly on Thursday. It's going to be a busy week.

I'm not nervous. I'm excited. We've been preparing for almost 11 months. You could say since the moment we met. We haven't made the decision to get married lightly. From the moment we met, we approached our relationship intentionally. I knew after two weeks that I was going to marry Emet. We spoke about our goals and expectations for the future.

We worked through Meeting at the Well and spoke to the rabbi at length. We've prepared and know we are making the right decision.

We have everything in place and are more than ready for the wedding to come. We have the rabbi and our vows, the ketubah (which is absolutely gorgeous!), and our friends and families. We have our attire and caterer and photographer and videographer.

We're ready. Bring it on!

Tu B'Av: How Emet and I Met, Thanks (but No Thanks) to Birthright

Today is Tu B'Av, the "Jewish Valentine's Day." According to the Jewish tradition, today marks the beginning of the grape harvest, which leads to wine, which leads to...Just kidding. But today is Tu B'Av and it does mark the beginning of the grape harvest. In modern times, it has become a symbol of love.

You'll see a number of articles about Birthright and bringing together Jewish couples who eventually got married. In some ways, Emet and I have a similar story, but in many ways we do not.

Both of us went on Birthright, about 8 years apart. Birthright significantly impacted our relationship with Judaism and with Israel. For Emet, she knew that she was going to return to Israel someday. For me, I wanted to become more knowledgeable about Judaism but I thought I didn't want to return to Israel.

Fast forward to 2012, the year both of us came to Israel, separately. Emet came with her mom, who had a lifelong dream to come to Israel, and I made the trip to study and begin a volunteer program in social justice. After Emet returned from her trip to the US, she knew she was coming back, and in early 2013, she began studying Hebrew. Only three months later, we met in Jerusalem.

Like Birthright couples, Israel is the means by which we were able to meet, but unlike Birthright, we had to seek for each other, and it was no easy feat. Who would have thought that you could meet your bashert at this one gathering for queer women in Jerusalem in May 2013? Who would have thought that I was in love and knew that Emet was the one only two weeks after having met her? Ask my friend Savyonne, I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks! Who would have thought that after one year and three months from that night in Jerusalem, Emet and I would be getting married and solidifying our lives together?

Our first year has had its stresses, but it's been an amazing first year (and some). We've moved to Denver into our own apartment and are moving forward in building a life together. I can't be more grateful and thankful to those who encouraged me to return to Israel and open myself up to new opportunities and experiences. And I can't be more grateful that I met Emet, my bashert.

Happy Tu B'Av!

Change Your Name, Change Your Destiny

A Post by Emet

Changing my name wasn’t such a big deal.

One of the first things I did in Israel was to change my name.

No one really knew me by my previous name. As they say in the States, if you start living by a name, then basically that is considered to be a name change. Of course if you want all the potential “rights” that come with changing your name, such as having your IDs and credit cards match what you say your name is, then you have to go through official channels. In Israel, from the beginning, my name was already what it was, so when people don’t know you by anything else, and there’s no one there to contradict that or call you anything else, it sticks. For the record, the process of changing your name in Israel is REALLY easy. You just go down to the proper government office, fill out an application, wait for your number to be called, and the clerk stamps a few things, types a few things, and then you’re good to go. No problems.

In the United States it’s not so easy to change your name.

Why? It seems as though they are worried about fraud. So, you have to start out first by going to your local superior courthouse. You have to fill out many forms in a very particular way with a certain amount of copies. Then you have to pay a lot of money. If you’re low or no income, then you can apply to have the court feeds waived, but that doesn’t exempt you from the completely strange and antiquated system of publishing your old name and requested new name along with your court-date in a local paper for a month. Yes, that’s right, you actually need to appear in front of a judge to explain yourself. You’re completely stuck with whatever fees you have to pay to this random paper to do something that no one pays attention to. Jess and I hunted for a local paper, calling a few to find out who had the cheapest rates, and it was still over $100 in fees! Does anyone even read these random, small circulation print papers anymore? I have to say it was pretty bizarre. Then, the paper provides you with a certified affidavit that they published an announcement of a change in name for a month in their little podunk paper that you have to bring to the courthouse.

Finally my court-date arrived. I had all the paperwork and had made up my mind there was no reason to be nervous, even though I had to go in front of a judge. Even when you’re innocent of anything, somehow having to stand in front of that guy makes you feel guilty. Jess and I hoped somehow they would call up the day before and say, “Aw, don’t worry, everything seems good with you. No need to come in. We’ll just stamp the papers for you.” But no such luck.

So we arrived to the courthouse early. We sat outside the courtroom until the bailiff let us in. I was thinking it was going to be some kind of small private event, but nooooo. As we waited, more and more lawyers kept buzzing around the hallway. I prayed that they would go elsewhere, but that didn’t happen. They were all waiting to get into the same courtroom as me. I thought, “What the hell! I reserved the damn thing for my trial at 8:30. What are these fools thinking they get to do? They’re going to try to cut me in line!” I was hoping the judge would be a meanie and put the kibosh on that. There was another observant Jew there, also changing his name and probably thinking along similar lines as us. As we sat there, the lawyers got weirder and creepier. One man-lawyer started cajoling a lady-lawyer about making some sort of settlement. You couldn’t help but feel bad for her the way he was pressuring her. It was so awkward. We were right there so you couldn’t help but listen. In the meantime, there was like this little club starting where they all seemed to know each other and were patting each other on the back and talking about their weekends and children. Finally, the bailiff lets us in to the courtroom and I’m thinking, “I hope the judge makes these shmucks wait around.” But, there was all this procedural stuff first. The judge seemed very nice although I didn’t really like all the lawyers listening. When the judge called my case number, I had to approach the podium where the lawyers had addresses the judge.He said that everything was in order. I might have said Sir one time instead of your honor, but then stamp stamp stamp and he sent me on my way!

All in all, it really wasn’t too bad of an experience. I think I thought it would be much worse than it was. But then I thought it was going to be even less of a big deal than it was, and I started to feel like it was.

I didn’t alter my birth name lightly. I felt the loss of my old name (even though hard as they try, well some of them try anyway, it’s hard for them to get it right). I grieved it, although part of it will always be a piece of me. There’s no denying or changing that, and I’m completely ok with it.

Why did I change my name?

I knew that when I was going to Israel not only did I want a fresh start, but I wanted to have a Hebrew name, one where I could be easily absorbed into Israeli culture. I knew that wasn’t possible with some English name. I spent months looking for something that would fit. I wanted something that would keep the same initials. I wanted something simple that would fit me. I wanted something meaningful. I also thought it would be nice if it was gender neutral (before realizing that nothing in Hebrew is gender neutral) or a unisex name, which it seemed like there were plenty of those in Hebrew. I didn’t find anything as many websites and baby naming books that I looked at. Finally I just started searching in Google Translate for values that I felt were important for me. Being “true” is one of them. That’s when I found Emet, or for those Ashkenazi Jews out there, Emes. But at the time, I didn’t know anything about Ashkenazi accents, and I didn’t know that words ending in Taf are feminine. I just knew that I liked the name in English. It could be unisex, or even more masculine, and it had a meaning I identified with. I didn’t know at that time that changing your name or adding a name had such significant in Jewish culture.

When I arrived in Israel, the reactions to my name were very strong. It’s not a word people use for a name. But I also didn’t know the religious significance of the name at the time either. I struggled with people’s reactions. Instead of integrating me into society, I was sticking out like a sore thumb. I thought about changing it again. But for whatever reason, Baruch Hashem, I was there, and I chose what I chose knowing what little I knew then. So I think it had a reason, and I chose to leave it that way. How could I ever change it when I hear my bashert say my name? Baruch Hashem, it’s a very strong and powerful name.

May I do my best to live up to it.

Offbeat/Alternative Bachelorette Party

When Emet and I got engaged, we didn't think so much about having a "bachelorette" party. Neither of us are partiers, and it felt like a weird tradition that we weren't sure we wanted to take part in. That being said, we thought that it would be a great opportunity to get some friends and sisters together and have a good time. Emet spoke with my older sister about hosting one, and she went into action planning it. At first, she had a few ideas that she had looked into, but with our limitations (cost and timing), they didn't work out. Those ideas were a cooking class or wine tasting. Instead, she came up with a great combination of fun and food, and we all had an awesome time!

The party started with a drive up to an arcade place, which also had laser tag and whirlyball. For those of you who don't know, whirlyball is a mix between bumper cars, basketball, and lacrosse. The group (Emet and me, my two sisters, and two of my friends - another friend and my cousin came later) split up into two groups. We then had to get a Whiffle ball into a basketball hoop and throw the ball using short lacrosse sticks.

Whirlyball

Needless to say, we all got a little bruised, but it was a great time! We also played a few rounds of Laser Tag. It's a dark room with glow-in-the-dark walls and mazes. That was thoroughly awesome! At the end of about two hours of playing whirlyball and laser tag, we were exhausted.

Showing off our guns

Then, we caravanned to a Tapas and sushi bar. We relaxed and ate for a bit, refreshing ourselves after an energy-depleting experience. Soon after we all recovered, my older sister led us in a game similar to "Cards Against Humanity," but the bridal shower edition. The guests asked us questions, for which we kept our answers secret. Each guest had to write down either the real answer or a ridiculous answer. All the answers were put into a pile, and we read them out loud. Whoever had the answer we liked the most received a point. Not only did everyone learn more about us, but we had a good time laughing to the ridiculous answers.

The sushi tapas place, Blue Grotto

In the end, it was an amazing "non-bachelorette bachelorette party." It wasn't about partying during my last days of "freedom." I have no connection whatsoever with that idea of the bachelorette party. Instead, we spent time together, doing something we don't do very often.

If you are thinking of doing a bachelorette party, for yourself or a friend, and you don't relate to the traditional ideas of a bachelorette party, try to step outside that box, and be creative! There are so many cool ideas that you can do instead!

War in Israel

In November 2012, I was in the south when Operation Pillar of Defense took place (see here and here for my discussion on those events).  In fact, the ceasefire and a bus bombing both happened on my birthday. I was pretty shaken, mainly by the siren rather than the rockets. I know what it's like to be on edge and constantly wonder - should I take a shower or put earplugs in at night to try to sleep some? I know the sound of the Iron Dome shooting rockets out of the sky and feeling the vibration of that explosion in the walls and floor. When we had drills throughout the country after that time (when I was in Beersheva, in the Israel Museum, at Pardes), I hated it. I could feel the anxiety coming back. Not out of fear for my life but because the sound of the siren is so jarring and terrifying. It's not something that we hear everyday or should hear everyday.

But I also know that after my trip to Sderot last fall that my experience is just a blip. I didn't grow up hearing the sirens. In Gedera, we had one minute to get to a shelter. In Sderot, it's 15 seconds or less. In Gedera, we had a mamat (safe room) in our apartment, unlike our friends and neighbors who didn't since their buildings were built in the 1970s and hadn't been updated.

People have been posting videos of what it's like to hear the siren and go to the safe room and also what happens when you are outside and the sirens go off - pictures of people crouching between cars and highway separators, under the concrete bus stops, and even next to a bush because that's the closest thing that might protect you.

I don't need to watch the videos. Some people want others to know what it's like, but I don't need to. The thought of watching the video, or rather the thought of hearing the siren is enough to make my heart beat a little faster.

I don't need any of those reminders to feel it, to understand it, to empathize.

I also know that the news of this side doing this or this side doing that isn't helpful, and yet I read the news anyway. I know what it was like for life to just go on as before, with reminders of sirens every now and then, "oh right, there are rockets in the south" and "oh, right, we aren't going anywhere."

I'm disappointed and critical. I'm disillusioned and cynical. Where will this lead? Back to the same place we were at before.

I keep thinking - what if this was here, in the US? If rebel drug lords in Mexico were shooting rockets at California, Arizona, New Mexico, would the US just stand by? Would the UN say, oh no, the US should be punished for their oppression of civilians caught in the middle. When the criminals use civilians as human shields, how can you play fair? There is no fairness in war. Everyone suffers. I know that Gazans have fewer resources on the whole, fewer bomb shelters, and fewer other safety measures, and yet the ones shooting the rockets really don't care if it lands in Gaza or in Israel. Those shooting the rockets don't care about life.

Another operation, another war. Nothing is going to change. I was hopeful when we visited the West Bank and spoke with activists working with the Bedouins and the Palestinians and also when I visited the kibbutz at the Gaza border and had the opportunity to hear from a Palestinian peace activist living in Gaza. Small change will help, but not enough. We need big sweeping changes and people need to forgive. Otherwise we won't move forward.

As we head into Shabbat today, I hope you will think about the conflict and pray for peace, as I do everyday.

Shabbat shalom.

Preparing for the Wedding: Taking Advantage of the Engagement Period

Emet and I have been intentional in our relationship from the beginning, when I asked her on the night we met, what are your goals for the next five years? We are committed to getting married only once, not divorcing, and communicating effectively to have a happy, healthy relationship.

That being said, we both recognize that not everyone approaches a relationship the way we have, and that's why I want to write this post today.

Emet and I have been seeing our rabbi every three or four weeks since coming to LA and a few times prior to that through Facetime. These sessions have been helpful for us to discuss our own goals for the future and work on any emotional or other issues we may have. Luckily, we've been doing this for a while, so it gets easier and easier as time goes on.

We picked up two books in the last few weeks that have been helpful thus far. The Five Love Languages is a bestseller that breaks down five ways that we can show that we love each other, and while it is hetero-normative, it has some good points to think about. The other is Meeting at the Well: A Jewish Spiritual Guide to Being Engaged, published by the Union of Reform Judaism.

We have loved Meeting at the Well so far! It has given us the opportunity to talk about aspects of our parents' marriages and our childhoods that contribute to the way we approach relationships and how we our pasts will relate to our future.

The great thing about this book is that is includes stories from people and the Talmud to bring in tradition where appropriate. It's helpful especially for couples who are reclaiming or returning to a more observant Judaism. While it doesn't include everything, we have found it to be a helpful beginning point. The activities are not Jewish-specific, so even for those of you who aren't Jewish, I think the book can be very useful!

The Five Love Languages has also been useful in looking at how we each respond to different actions, and what is the most effective way that each of us feel loved. I didn't know exactly what mine was going into the book, so I'm glad I read it. I knew immediately what Emet's was, but it seemed that after she read the book, she felt there was another one that also impacted her.

The idea of the Five Love Languages is that we each grow up understanding how we feel love in different ways. They are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
& Physical Touch.
One of the five languages the author lists will be the top way for you. We found that we could rank the five ways to most important to us to the least important. What is important for this discussion of love languages is that we communicate differently based upon what is most important for us; however, what works for us might not work for our partner. If one partner needs to feel physical touch to feel loved, and the other feels that gifts are most important, they will need to be cognizant of this, and acting differently toward what works for your partner will strengthen your relationship.

I highly recommend both of these books for couples who are interested in taking advantage of being engaged and want to strengthen their relationship with their partner. Happy learning!

Being "In" to Include Queer Jews

There have been a few articles lately about how it is the fad at the moment to include queer Jews in the Jewish world. Jay Michaelson wrote in the Jewish Daily Forward says that large Federations and Jewish organizations now have inclusion initiatives for queer Jews. He thinks it's just about getting money for the organizations, and queer Jews are another group that are specific enough for the organizations to care about. He thinks that there are plenty of other Jews that aren't included, such as "Jews who support BDS (or perhaps even J Street); people with multiple religious traditions; Jews with strong critiques of the 1%-fueled, $30 billion Jewish establishment, especially the Federation system; Jews with more radical critiques of Jewish culture or tradition; Jews who don’t “pass” as middle or upper class; queer Jews who don’t pass as “normal” because of their gender presentation, or tattoos, or clothing." He continues, "Just like Jews can now get into the right golf clubs, gay Jews can now get into the right cocktail parties — as long as they have the cash, privilege, and willingness to pass as bourgeois or better." Clearly, he is being tongue-in-cheek, and he wonders if gays are being co-opted as a way to further the financial goals of the Federation and other Jewish organizations.

I read his article two weeks ago, but I have to disagree on many of his points, as Idit Klein did just a few days after the article was published.

While I recognize and acknowledge that many queer Jews are now being included in Jewish causes and also that there are still communities that don't actively engage GLBT inclusion, I also don't think this inclusion is only a means to raise more money. Jewish groups are realizing that queer Jews have a sincere interest in connecting to Judaism and maintaining a relationship with other Jews. I am not the first to tell you that as a queer Jew who is part of a queer Jewish couple, I and we have felt uncomfortable in certain Jewish spaces, but I can also tell you that when someone has reached out to us and told us that we belong in a Jewish space, we are ecstatic.

Inclusion is not just about money. Inclusion is a process, and as Idit Klein mentioned in an article last year, "increasingly over the past few years, major stakeholders in Jewish life have begun to recognize the relevance of [work with GLBT Jews] to the Jewish community. What’s more, I see interest in engaging and a sense of collective accountability." Including queer Jews is about making a stronger, more cohesive Jewish community. That is what the Federation and other major Jewish organizations are striving for, and it is through including queer Jews that we continue this work of strengthening our community. Many have said that there won't be Jews in a hundred years. I disagree, and I think it is precisely because we are continuing on a path to include the Jews who would have left Judaism before.

Of course, it's not perfect. Nothing is perfect when we are forging a new way, but I think it's fabulous. Keep up the good work!

We Said Go Travel Contest: Inner Freedom in Israel

Emet has entered into the We Said Go Travel "Independence" Contest!

Check out her entry at this link!

Queer Pride and Shavuot

June is Pride Month. It's the month of the year that gay pride parades happen all over the world and when everything, from print ads to television commercials, are painted rainbow. When you can buy rainbow colored jock straps at Macy's of all places and you start seeing rainbow flags posted on the streets.

Emet and I recently went to the Castro in San Francisco, and it was like Pride all year round. Flags and couples out and about together all the time.

The Castro under construction. They are adding rainbow crosswalks...really.

As Shavuot approaches tonight, I've been thinking about how this holiday, the day of the giving of the Torah, and Queer Pride Month are related. Rabbi Sacks wrote in his discussion on Shavuot this week that the holiday is not given a calendar date. Shavuot is introduced in the Torah as follows:

"From the day after the Sabbath, the day you brought the sheaf of the wave offering, count off seven full weeks. Count off fifty days up to the day after the seventh Sabbath, and then present an offering of new grain to the Lord . . . On that same day you are to proclaim a sacred assembly and do no regular work. This is to be a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live." (Leviticus 23: 15-21)

This is the only holiday that is not given a date. For example, we know when Yom Kippur is because the Torah says "The tenth day of the seventh month is the Day of Atonement" (Leviticus 23:26). Also, it is unclear which Shabbat this verse is discussing. The previous verses talk about Passover, not Shabbat. Finally, what is Shavuot really about? This verse simply states that we should hold a sacred assembly that day, but for what purpose? 

The rabbis of the Talmud have figured that Shavuot is about the giving of the Torah, the day of the revelation at Sinai and the day that the Israelites made a covenant with Gd. Other references to Shavuot are about agriculture and the wheat harvest.

There are a lot of traditions tied to Shavuot, but no one really knows why. We can only speculate. One, we should eat a dairy meal - because this is the day that the Israelites learned laws of kashrut. Two, we should stay up all night learning. (Read about my experience in Shavuot last year here.) Three, we should read the book of Ruth about conversion. According to Chabad, this is because we observe the yartzeit of King David, and the Book of Ruth records his ancestry. It is also because the scenes of harvesting described in the book are appropriate for the Festival of Harvest, and finally because Ruth was a sincere convert, on Shavuot, all Jews are converts, having accepted the Torah given by Gd on Mount Sinai. 

It is so clear to me how being queer and being Jewish intersect at Shavuot. We don't know why Gd chose this day of all the days to be Shavuot. I don't know why Gd chose me to be queer. On Shavuot, Jews feel proud to be Jewish, honored to have been given the Torah, and grateful that Gd gave us the opportunity and ability to learn and grow as Jews all our lives. I am proud to be queer, just as I am proud to be Jewish, and I thank Gd that I am who I am. I feel honored and grateful that I have the ability and opportunity to live an authentic life with my partner, as a queer Jew. It is on this holiday that I am remembering how lucky I am to have a supportive family and community to celebrate with, and that my queerness and Jewishness don't conflict. Instead, they thread together perfectly, like the wheat that is harvested during this festival.

To have the ability to live a life as a queer Jew, we should celebrate our intersecting identities and strive to live authentically. Just as we embrace Shavuot, regardless of the inability to understand the why's of celebrating the festival, we should embrace ourselves, regardless of the inability to understand the why's of being.

Chag Sameach and Happy Pride!

The Intersection of Being Queer and Frum

I've been thinking a lot about being religious and queer. I feel strongly connected to religious Judaism and my identity as a queer woman. Those identities go hand in hand, and I cannot separate one from the other. At the same time, it is something that I know the religious community does not necessarily acknowledge. 

The more I hear about other queer Jews, the more aware I am about how lucky both Emet and I are to have incredibly supportive families - both of our queerness and now our religious practice. I started following a blog called Frum Gay Girl, which lists anonymous interviews with individuals who are queer and religious. Many seem to stay in their communities, though some have left. It has been a fascinating window for me into the ultra-religious community.

Both Emet and I have begun to feel tired of not being about to be ourselves in Jewish circles. Yes, we are observant. Yes, we are queer. It tends to be that in observant circles, we aren't accepted because of our queerness, and in politically progressive circles, our observance is confusing and misunderstood. We are striving to find a community that will accept us exactly how we are.

I just corresponded with a woman writing an article for the Atlanta Jewish Times about queer observant Jews. This is something I've been thinking about for a while. How many more of us are there? Have we been accepted? What motivates us to maintain our identities?

Obviously, I can answer these questions for myself, but I think that everyone is a little different. I've been thinking about it a lot. If you are religious and queer, feel free to leave a comment or email me. I'm interested in hearing your story.

Parties and Pesach

This past weekend was completely packed with activities. Emet's mom, both my grandmothers, and my younger sister came to town for our engagement party and the Seder. On Sunday, my aunt and mom threw us an engagement party. It was great! All my family including grandmas, aunts and uncles, and cousins were there, plus some of my friends and friends of the family. What better excuse do you need to get the family together than an engagement!

After the engagement party, my older sister planned the best non-bachelorette bachelorette party ever. Emet and my sisters, one of my cousins, and a few of my friends played laser tag and whirlyball (after which we were all bruised) and then went to dinner for sushi and tapas. We played a game similar to Cards Against Humanity. By the end of the day, Emet and I were exhausted and looked forward to going to sleep after a long, exciting day filled with love. 

Monday was the first night of Passover, and Emet and I cleaned the kitchen to make it kosher for Pesach, mainly organizing our chametz so it was inaccessible. Being in a non-observant home, we talked with my parents beforehand to make sure they would be okay with what we were doing and they even bought us plastic plates if we wanted to use them. Our Seder was completely crazy. It was the biggest we have ever had - a majority of the people who were at the engagement party came to the Seder, too, so that we ended up having close to 35 people. It was loud and rowdy and full of good food. It gave Emet and I the opportunity to talk about how we would celebrate Pesach in the future, definitely more discussion and smaller, although I had a great opportunity to share with one of my cousins why Gd hardened Pharaoh's heart. I took out my notes from Chumash class, and read the English translations I did in order to answer the question. It was a good thing I wrote the English translation of Rambam and Ramban because there was no way I could translate the Hebrew at that moment. It was so great learning again, even if just for a minute.

Yesterday, I woke up missing Israel immensely. I missed kosher for passover restaurants and learning and community. One of the most difficult things about being Shomer Shabbat and not being within walking distance of a synagogue is that we don't have an observant community around us. Shabbat means something completely different. It's about what we can't do, rather than enjoying that time. We have been lucky to have family and friends come over to our house for Shabbat, but it still isn't the same. We don't have a plata (blech), so when we want hot food on Shabbat, we use the crock pot, but you don't want a stew or soup every week. One week we made enchiladas, and that turned out great. Even so, I miss our Pardes community, walking to shul, seeing people you know on the street, talking Torah, studying Torah, the smells of Shabbat wafting from everyone's kitchens, and the whole atmosphere that you just don't get here.

It was great spending time with the whole family and it's been absolutely amazing how welcoming my family is. Emet and I say over and over how blessed we are to have two families that embrace us, ask questions, and love unconditionally.

Shabbat shalom!