Emet's Perspective on the Wedding

I had a very different wedding experience than Jess did. I’m assuming that in part this is because we’re different people, but I also think that being apart for 7 days ended up meaning that we experienced things differently as well.

7 days apart was hard. It felt tortuous not to be able to see Jess for that period of time. It’s such a vulnerable period of time and you’re not able to connect with the person that you rely on the most during that period of time of intense excitement and anticipation. Not only was that difficult but the fact that we had so much coordination to avoid each other during events before the wedding was not optimal and it just came with the territory. I’m not saying that it wasn’t worth it - there was definitely a heightened emotional experience that came with it, and it was nice to be able to experience that. But I do wish every moment of everything that came before we would have be able to experience together as a shared memory- and I was definitely sad when there were times that I missed out on seeing Jess’s family or having her family and my family be together when there was so little time during the weekend.

The first part of the wedding experience that ended up varying greatly was the mikveh. We went to different mikvehs. At the one that I went to, I had a very long conversation with the attendant and a bride’s mother beforehand, so when the attendant presumed that I was a bio male, it felt very strange to get into a conversation about my gender identity. Her presumption was not anything out of the ordinary, but knowing that I had to strip down, I was wondering if it was going to be awkward. Of course, in this situation at least, the attendant did not see me naked or check to make sure that my dunks were kosher.

I was probably in the mikveh for an hour and a half doing meditations. This was very tiring for me. While this is what a lot of people want, it was not right for me. I was exhausted and over heated from being in the warm water. The place I went to was a legitimate spa, in addition to a kosher mikveh. For me, I felt that I needed to create my own spiritual experience and not have one created for me. I wanted it to be mine, and not what someone else's version of spirituality was. I would have much preferred to stick with something more traditional, but that’s something that I will know for the future.

The wedding itself seems like it happened so quickly. Almost everyday since I have returned I wonder that it actually happened. I felt like I needed a whole week after to keep celebrating because it all went too fast. I kept willing the seconds to stop, to pause, to not move forward. But they did of course keep moving, that was all part of it.

It was weird, in some ways it didn’t even feel like a wedding was about to happen. I was mostly alone or with my Mom the weekend before. I guess you somehow picture there will be a million people around you all of the time kind of like in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and everything is crazy getting ready and pictures taken right before. But I drove down myself to the hotel to get there earlier than the rest of my family, and then hung out with friends. I kept thinking that the moment would never arrive for me to get ready, and then all of a sudden it was past the time, and I madly ran into the shower and hastily threw some clothes on. My friend Milo snapped a few shots as I was getting ready and then it was time to hurry and get going. 

Getting ready

I jumped in my father-in-law’s van at the hotel and was dropped off at the synagogue. As smoothly as our wedding day went, there are always still some kinks to work out. I felt glad that I got there to be able to clarify things or help get them to where they needed to be. I was warned that at a wedding, nothing ever goes perfectly and something unexpected always happens (and no one ever really notices or finds out), but to be honest, that was not really the case with ours. Yes, were there little things. For example if we had practiced the wedding 10 times before, it would have gone more smoothly. But overall I have no complaints. It’s the nature of being a part of something with a lot of people that are all trying to accomplish many tasks.

So, then all of a sudden, I was there at the synagogue waiting for Jess, and I was so nervous. She touched my shoulder and as I turned to look at her, I just lost it emotionally. I had missed her so much and here she was, my beautiful bride, the same person she always was, but transformed into a Queen for the day.

Then everything was in fast forward - we talked to people during cocktail hour (missing many of the delicious appetizers!) and each gave our dvar torah, our moms broke a plate during the vort, and then we were off to get married. We signed the ketubah and we did the bedeken.

The moment that she walked down the aisle with her parents was so real, so emotional, it was the culmination of everything that we had been waiting for, had worked for, had planned for, and I felt so joyous and emotional all at the same time.

Once the ceremony ended we were off to yichud for a much needed moment to catch a bite to eat and reflect on the day so far. And it’s almost completely unbelievable. You don’t really even believe it. And when we got introduced and did our first dance, that was the part I was most worried about screwing up, and I thought I would be so concentrated, I would forget to smile, but it all went perfectly and I couldn’t help but smile the whole time (the practicing had paid off). 

Finally when we did the hora and were lifted up on our chairs it was like the peak of the evening, and kind of like a metaphor for life, sometimes you’re a little up and sometimes you’re a little down, but my goodness I know that being together with Jess on this life we’ve started is always going to be one hell of a ride.

The Wedding

We got married! Just in case you were holding your breath to hear that. Everything went so well, and the wedding was over so quickly!

The week leading up to the wedding was hard. Being separated was very, very difficult. When we were about to part on the Sunday prior to the wedding, there were lots of tears and questions about why we separating, but we did it after discussing the reasons why. It gave us a week of anticipation, nervousness, wonder, and emotions. I cried a lot. It's hard being separated from your partner for a week, especially for us, since we have been so incredibly lucky to have so much time together. All week, we sent notes back and forth and we texted. Because we planned a lot of the wedding details ourselves, we needed to be able to discuss when we had issues. Even so, we knew we wouldn't text over Shabbat, the day before the wedding, and we agreed not to text the day of the wedding.

Emet left Wednesday night for LA, and I went on Thursday. Once we were in LA, things felt more real. I met my family at the airport and we drove up to the suburbs to get together the gift bags and some other things. It was weird being back there without seeing Emet. Then, back in LA, our family started to arrive, and it was so unreal. By Friday, Emet and I were both hoping Shabbat would go quickly, since we weren't texting. I ended up hanging out with my parents and my grandmother, taking a nap (since I hadn't slept well in over a week), and generally stayed put in the hotel room, reading.

Saturday night, Emet and I had to play Tetris in the hotel during the dinner, and we assigned my sisters to make sure that we wouldn't see each other. When Emet was downstairs at dinner, I was in the room. Then they moved Emet to a safe location, and I appeared in the dining room. It was weird to know that our guests saw Emet, but she was elusive to me.

I expected Sunday, the day of the wedding, to be chaotic and nerve-wrecking, but it was so smooth. I davened in the morning, spending time thinking about every person who both wanted a prayer and who I thought needed one. I expected to feel more spiritual on the wedding day than I did, but it was still good.

During the morning, it seemed time dragged on, and I couldn't wait to see Emet. I hung out with my sisters for a while, and eventually we went to get our hair done. I was extremely hesitant to do this, since I wanted my hair to look natural, nothing over the top. It ended up being perfect. The hairdresser who did my hair had married his boyfriend the year before, and I'm pretty sure that we were the only English speaking clients. They were amazing, though. He put in the veil and we were all very satisfied with their friendliness and their work.

After our hair appointments

Then, I stayed in the room getting ready with my sisters. Devon took some amazing photos, as usual.

All of a sudden, it was time to go to the synagogue! I didn't want anyone to see me so when we went down to get in the car to go to the synagogue, my sisters played "Secret Service Agents" again and made sure there was no one to see me. We got to the synagogue and I was nervous to see Emet, after having not seen her for a week.

Just before I went down to see Emet for the first time

Our photographer was there, as were our videographers, and I didn't know how everything would work. Luckily, I was too preoccupied to think about the things that could go wrong that day! In that last photo, there were stairs to the right, and I went down them to see Emet. I could see her back, and then suddenly I was there behind her. I put my hand on her shoulder, and she turned around and started crying. We both started crying. It was just the two of us, there in time. I know there were others around us, but it didn't matter.

After a little while, our families came and we continued with photos. Then, everyone started showing up, and time just wouldn't stay still.

We greeted everyone, our mothers broke a plate, we gave dvar Torahs, and then we moved into the room to sign the ketubah. It is completely gorgeous, specially done for us by our friend, and it's just perfect. Once we signed the ketubah, Emet put the veil over my face - I was crying. I'm pretty sure everyone was crying in the room. Our families and two witnesses plus the photographer and videographers were all in the room with us and the rabbi and cantor.

I remember walking down the hall to get to the back of the sanctuary. My parents held my hands tight. I was jittery. When I got down to the bottom of the aisle, where Emet was, she started outright bawling. It was so sweet and authentic.

The ceremony was a blur. I was there, but it was just fast. I got nervous reading the Hebrew at the end of our vows. Our rabbi was absolutely amazing and our cantor did such a great job. We couldn't have been happier with our choices for the ceremony. It was a mostly traditional wedding service, though we altered the Sheva Brachot slightly. At one point, I was told afterward that everyone up on the bimah with us (our families) was crying. It was just so moving. Emet mainly broke the glass - I attempted to help, but let's be honest, her shoes were better equipped for breaking glass.

The sanctuary

Then we were alone in yichud. Thankfully, there was some food, which was delicious, and we savored the 30 minutes alone that we had.

The rest of the night just came and went. We did our first dance, hopefully staying on beat the entire time to "The Anniversary Song." Unfortunately for us, the synagogue only had folding chairs, so for the hora, I was terrified either Emet or I would fall, so it only lasted a few rounds of the song. Thankfully, we did not get injured. Our caterer was fabulous, our DJ was right on, and everything was perfect. Our parents and sisters gave toasts. We danced, we ate a little, we threw a stuffed pomegranate (instead of a bouquet), and we cut and ate some cake that had our small clay pomegranates that we bought at Yad Lakashish on it. The cake was white with white frosting and strawberries. It was delicious.

Our tables

Overall, the entire day was amazing, and we can't wait to get more pictures back from our photographer and the video! All these photos are what were uploaded on to WedPics. If you want to see more photos, email me and I can send you the code to see them.

Thank you to everyone who joined us and made the day special. We can't wait to continue celebrating this year and into the future. We are so thankful and grateful of everyone who helped us get to this day - our families, our rabbi, our friends both here in the US and in Israel, our photographer, caterer, videographers, and DJ. It was amazing. We couldn't have asked for anything better.

The end of the night!

Shabbat shalom!!