Mikvah

I went to the mikvah for the first time yesterday. I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect, even though our kallah teacher told us about it and friends have explained. It's not the same until you do it yourself.

I drove up and rang the doorbell. This mikvah was in an old building, and they are trying to raise funds to renovate. Though this is an inclusive mikvah, meaning any woman can go, regardless of if she is Orthodox or not, the attendant who answered the door was clearly Orthodox. She was the only person at the mikvah at that time. No one else was there. The usual time to immerse is after nightfall, but special immersions, like a kallah (bride), can happen during the day.

She led me into a bathroom with a tub, toilet, and vanity. The floor was uneven and had cracks in it. You had to watch where you stepped, so that you didn't trip. It didn't have that nice, clean, well-kept feel I had expected, but it was definitely clean. In the bathroom, there were Q-tips, cotton balls, mouthwash, floss, toothpaste, shampoo, and body wash. She said I could shower, but since I had just done that at home, I took a few minutes to look around and used the mouthwash. I had prepared at home so that I was comfortable in my own space.

Then I called her, and we walked into the next room which had the mikvah in it. She checked the bottom of my feet for hair. I was nervous. I was going to have to be naked in front of her, and I was wondering if I'd do it right. I was also thinking about cleanliness. But soon, I just took off the robe and went down the stairs.

A mikvah (not the one I used).

My first dunk wasn't enough so I had to do again. She said, some women will jump a little so that they will go completely under the water. So I jumped a little for my next dunk. It was kosher. She handed me the prayer card to say the blessing and a washcloth to put on my head. Then I dunked twice more.

I walked back up the stairs and put the robe back on. She started giving me blessings of good health and happy marriage, etc. We walked back into the bathroom, and she quickly left me to clean up. I debated taking a shower there, but I decided against it. I would take another when I got back home that night. When I walked out to pay, she gave me a little certificate for my first time and some moisturizer.

I had to immerse our new pots and pans, so I asked her where that mikvah is. She walked and told me to drive around to the other side of the building. When we went outside, there was lots of thunder and ominous clouds. I thanked her and she scurried off.

Of course, it started storming. Rain, lightning, thunder, and then hail. It lasted for 20 minutes while I sat in the car. I didn't think there was symbolism in that. It's Denver. It storms. Finally after a while, I was able to get back out and immerse the pots and pans.

One thing that was really great about the experience was that the attendant didn't ask me about my husband! Usually, in more religious situations, I have to nod my head or change my pronouns to pretend that my spouse is male, but she was really respectful. She didn't ask about a husband, and she gave me lots of brachot (blessings). I mentioned I was nervous, and she was nice. She didn't even ask questions about the wedding anything about my spouse, and that contributed to me feeling comfortable. Perhaps it is because the mikvah is supposedly for the individual woman, not her spouse (depends on who you talk to), so the focus is on her.

I was proud of the many mitzvoth I did, but I feel like there could be something more meaningful about the mikvah. Maybe it would be more meaningful in nature for me, but it didn't feel very symbolic or spiritual. I still want to introduce a meaningful ritual, so I'll be continuing my research and try to come up with something.

Either way, even if I don't go back monthly, I'm glad I did it.

A Week Before the Wedding

Today is officially a week before Emet and I get married. We've come a long way from that night in Jerusalem, and it seems unreal. Tonight, we will be separating for the duration of the week and will next see each other in LA on our wedding day.

Both of us have been busy these last few weeks as we've settled into Denver, and the wedding was pushed to the back of our minds - although it was always there. We made sure we got things completed that needed attention, but for the most part, we've been busy with other responsibilities. Even so, we made sure to practice our first dance a few times, at least.

Now, we are a week from the wedding. This week, Emet will be working, and I'll stay elsewhere. I'm going to the mikvah on Tuesday, and Emet is going on Thursday. She flies on Wednesday, and I fly on Thursday. It's going to be a busy week.

I'm not nervous. I'm excited. We've been preparing for almost 11 months. You could say since the moment we met. We haven't made the decision to get married lightly. From the moment we met, we approached our relationship intentionally. I knew after two weeks that I was going to marry Emet. We spoke about our goals and expectations for the future.

We worked through Meeting at the Well and spoke to the rabbi at length. We've prepared and know we are making the right decision.

We have everything in place and are more than ready for the wedding to come. We have the rabbi and our vows, the ketubah (which is absolutely gorgeous!), and our friends and families. We have our attire and caterer and photographer and videographer.

We're ready. Bring it on!

Tu B'Av: How Emet and I Met, Thanks (but No Thanks) to Birthright

Today is Tu B'Av, the "Jewish Valentine's Day." According to the Jewish tradition, today marks the beginning of the grape harvest, which leads to wine, which leads to...Just kidding. But today is Tu B'Av and it does mark the beginning of the grape harvest. In modern times, it has become a symbol of love.

You'll see a number of articles about Birthright and bringing together Jewish couples who eventually got married. In some ways, Emet and I have a similar story, but in many ways we do not.

Both of us went on Birthright, about 8 years apart. Birthright significantly impacted our relationship with Judaism and with Israel. For Emet, she knew that she was going to return to Israel someday. For me, I wanted to become more knowledgeable about Judaism but I thought I didn't want to return to Israel.

Fast forward to 2012, the year both of us came to Israel, separately. Emet came with her mom, who had a lifelong dream to come to Israel, and I made the trip to study and begin a volunteer program in social justice. After Emet returned from her trip to the US, she knew she was coming back, and in early 2013, she began studying Hebrew. Only three months later, we met in Jerusalem.

Like Birthright couples, Israel is the means by which we were able to meet, but unlike Birthright, we had to seek for each other, and it was no easy feat. Who would have thought that you could meet your bashert at this one gathering for queer women in Jerusalem in May 2013? Who would have thought that I was in love and knew that Emet was the one only two weeks after having met her? Ask my friend Savyonne, I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks! Who would have thought that after one year and three months from that night in Jerusalem, Emet and I would be getting married and solidifying our lives together?

Our first year has had its stresses, but it's been an amazing first year (and some). We've moved to Denver into our own apartment and are moving forward in building a life together. I can't be more grateful and thankful to those who encouraged me to return to Israel and open myself up to new opportunities and experiences. And I can't be more grateful that I met Emet, my bashert.

Happy Tu B'Av!

Change Your Name, Change Your Destiny

A Post by Emet

Changing my name wasn’t such a big deal.

One of the first things I did in Israel was to change my name.

No one really knew me by my previous name. As they say in the States, if you start living by a name, then basically that is considered to be a name change. Of course if you want all the potential “rights” that come with changing your name, such as having your IDs and credit cards match what you say your name is, then you have to go through official channels. In Israel, from the beginning, my name was already what it was, so when people don’t know you by anything else, and there’s no one there to contradict that or call you anything else, it sticks. For the record, the process of changing your name in Israel is REALLY easy. You just go down to the proper government office, fill out an application, wait for your number to be called, and the clerk stamps a few things, types a few things, and then you’re good to go. No problems.

In the United States it’s not so easy to change your name.

Why? It seems as though they are worried about fraud. So, you have to start out first by going to your local superior courthouse. You have to fill out many forms in a very particular way with a certain amount of copies. Then you have to pay a lot of money. If you’re low or no income, then you can apply to have the court feeds waived, but that doesn’t exempt you from the completely strange and antiquated system of publishing your old name and requested new name along with your court-date in a local paper for a month. Yes, that’s right, you actually need to appear in front of a judge to explain yourself. You’re completely stuck with whatever fees you have to pay to this random paper to do something that no one pays attention to. Jess and I hunted for a local paper, calling a few to find out who had the cheapest rates, and it was still over $100 in fees! Does anyone even read these random, small circulation print papers anymore? I have to say it was pretty bizarre. Then, the paper provides you with a certified affidavit that they published an announcement of a change in name for a month in their little podunk paper that you have to bring to the courthouse.

Finally my court-date arrived. I had all the paperwork and had made up my mind there was no reason to be nervous, even though I had to go in front of a judge. Even when you’re innocent of anything, somehow having to stand in front of that guy makes you feel guilty. Jess and I hoped somehow they would call up the day before and say, “Aw, don’t worry, everything seems good with you. No need to come in. We’ll just stamp the papers for you.” But no such luck.

So we arrived to the courthouse early. We sat outside the courtroom until the bailiff let us in. I was thinking it was going to be some kind of small private event, but nooooo. As we waited, more and more lawyers kept buzzing around the hallway. I prayed that they would go elsewhere, but that didn’t happen. They were all waiting to get into the same courtroom as me. I thought, “What the hell! I reserved the damn thing for my trial at 8:30. What are these fools thinking they get to do? They’re going to try to cut me in line!” I was hoping the judge would be a meanie and put the kibosh on that. There was another observant Jew there, also changing his name and probably thinking along similar lines as us. As we sat there, the lawyers got weirder and creepier. One man-lawyer started cajoling a lady-lawyer about making some sort of settlement. You couldn’t help but feel bad for her the way he was pressuring her. It was so awkward. We were right there so you couldn’t help but listen. In the meantime, there was like this little club starting where they all seemed to know each other and were patting each other on the back and talking about their weekends and children. Finally, the bailiff lets us in to the courtroom and I’m thinking, “I hope the judge makes these shmucks wait around.” But, there was all this procedural stuff first. The judge seemed very nice although I didn’t really like all the lawyers listening. When the judge called my case number, I had to approach the podium where the lawyers had addresses the judge.He said that everything was in order. I might have said Sir one time instead of your honor, but then stamp stamp stamp and he sent me on my way!

All in all, it really wasn’t too bad of an experience. I think I thought it would be much worse than it was. But then I thought it was going to be even less of a big deal than it was, and I started to feel like it was.

I didn’t alter my birth name lightly. I felt the loss of my old name (even though hard as they try, well some of them try anyway, it’s hard for them to get it right). I grieved it, although part of it will always be a piece of me. There’s no denying or changing that, and I’m completely ok with it.

Why did I change my name?

I knew that when I was going to Israel not only did I want a fresh start, but I wanted to have a Hebrew name, one where I could be easily absorbed into Israeli culture. I knew that wasn’t possible with some English name. I spent months looking for something that would fit. I wanted something that would keep the same initials. I wanted something simple that would fit me. I wanted something meaningful. I also thought it would be nice if it was gender neutral (before realizing that nothing in Hebrew is gender neutral) or a unisex name, which it seemed like there were plenty of those in Hebrew. I didn’t find anything as many websites and baby naming books that I looked at. Finally I just started searching in Google Translate for values that I felt were important for me. Being “true” is one of them. That’s when I found Emet, or for those Ashkenazi Jews out there, Emes. But at the time, I didn’t know anything about Ashkenazi accents, and I didn’t know that words ending in Taf are feminine. I just knew that I liked the name in English. It could be unisex, or even more masculine, and it had a meaning I identified with. I didn’t know at that time that changing your name or adding a name had such significant in Jewish culture.

When I arrived in Israel, the reactions to my name were very strong. It’s not a word people use for a name. But I also didn’t know the religious significance of the name at the time either. I struggled with people’s reactions. Instead of integrating me into society, I was sticking out like a sore thumb. I thought about changing it again. But for whatever reason, Baruch Hashem, I was there, and I chose what I chose knowing what little I knew then. So I think it had a reason, and I chose to leave it that way. How could I ever change it when I hear my bashert say my name? Baruch Hashem, it’s a very strong and powerful name.

May I do my best to live up to it.

Offbeat/Alternative Bachelorette Party

When Emet and I got engaged, we didn't think so much about having a "bachelorette" party. Neither of us are partiers, and it felt like a weird tradition that we weren't sure we wanted to take part in. That being said, we thought that it would be a great opportunity to get some friends and sisters together and have a good time. Emet spoke with my older sister about hosting one, and she went into action planning it. At first, she had a few ideas that she had looked into, but with our limitations (cost and timing), they didn't work out. Those ideas were a cooking class or wine tasting. Instead, she came up with a great combination of fun and food, and we all had an awesome time!

The party started with a drive up to an arcade place, which also had laser tag and whirlyball. For those of you who don't know, whirlyball is a mix between bumper cars, basketball, and lacrosse. The group (Emet and me, my two sisters, and two of my friends - another friend and my cousin came later) split up into two groups. We then had to get a Whiffle ball into a basketball hoop and throw the ball using short lacrosse sticks.

Whirlyball

Needless to say, we all got a little bruised, but it was a great time! We also played a few rounds of Laser Tag. It's a dark room with glow-in-the-dark walls and mazes. That was thoroughly awesome! At the end of about two hours of playing whirlyball and laser tag, we were exhausted.

Showing off our guns

Then, we caravanned to a Tapas and sushi bar. We relaxed and ate for a bit, refreshing ourselves after an energy-depleting experience. Soon after we all recovered, my older sister led us in a game similar to "Cards Against Humanity," but the bridal shower edition. The guests asked us questions, for which we kept our answers secret. Each guest had to write down either the real answer or a ridiculous answer. All the answers were put into a pile, and we read them out loud. Whoever had the answer we liked the most received a point. Not only did everyone learn more about us, but we had a good time laughing to the ridiculous answers.

The sushi tapas place, Blue Grotto

In the end, it was an amazing "non-bachelorette bachelorette party." It wasn't about partying during my last days of "freedom." I have no connection whatsoever with that idea of the bachelorette party. Instead, we spent time together, doing something we don't do very often.

If you are thinking of doing a bachelorette party, for yourself or a friend, and you don't relate to the traditional ideas of a bachelorette party, try to step outside that box, and be creative! There are so many cool ideas that you can do instead!