Why Have a Wedding?

When Emet and I decided to get engaged, we wondered about the size of our wedding and how to stay in a budget. We really want to celebrate with our family and friends, and like I said in an earlier post, we want to stay in a budget. The wedding is looking to be bigger than we expected, and of course, I have thoughts of "should we spend this much, should we invite all these people, how am I going to make it through the day as an introvert."

Additionally, going crazy over money is something I feel like many people feel while planning a wedding. And yet, it still seems that the industry completely overprices everything. We have been looking at tablecloths and napkins, since our synagogue doesn't provide, and these things cost a lot more than expected. Also, every little thing, like favors, or printed goods, or centerpieces, or even the cake have extra expenses, regardless of how small you do them.

It's times like these when I ask myself, why are we making such a big party? I have been thinking that the ceremony is for Emet and me and the reception is really for everyone else. For some time now, I feel like the intentionality of the ceremony will be more meaningful to me than the reception, but really, I don't think that's true at all.

Celebrating with Emet and our family and friends is completely worth it. We are going to have an incredibly meaningful ceremony, and we are also going to have a kick-ass party. It's just a matter of priorities. We know we want to have an awesome wedding with our friends and family, and we know we don't want to spend over a certain amount of money, so while our parents are encouraging us on this or that, we know when to say No. We also know when to say Yes.

This is a cake we are NOT having....From WD4U

We have been cognizant of managing how we are spending money, through maintaining a budget and changing it as we find out the real cost of things. We have negotiated a lot with vendors, and this has saved us tons. We've decided what is truly important to us and what isn't, what we can do alternatively and what we are cutting altogether. Still, even though I see a big number at the end, it's going to be worth it in the end. If I keep the end goal in mind - celebrating with all the people I want to be there - then I know that it will be okay!

Changing My Name

The New York Times recently had two articles about women changing their names when they get married. The idea of changing my name when I get married has only recently been something that I've thought about more than usual. For a long time, I thought I would keep my name. I never felt that I could have any other name than the one I was born with. When I met Emet, however, it didn't seem like a big deal to change my name. I have gone back and forth on adding her last name (and thereby having two last names, essentially) or adopting her last name as my own. I'm now leaning toward adopting her name because I know it will be easier in the long run for when we have children, and it will just make more sense for us.

In college, I studied Women's and Gender Studies and learned about Lucy Stone, a 19th century suffragist whose relationship with her husband was on her own terms. She maintained her birth name, and was very public about it. After that, women who kept their birth names were known as "Stoners." This idea always appealed to me because, like I said, I couldn't imagine any other name.

Now, though, this idea doesn't resonate as much. My relationship is not about acquisition and power. Emet and I are in a partnership, and my decision to take her name will connect us publicly in a way that the might not be recognized otherwise.

People would ask about hyphenation, or a combination of our names, or both of us changing to another name, but the fact of the matter is that 1) my name is long as it is, and it's just too much to add on, and 2) we both feel strongly about our family names and tradition.

Emet asked me why I was struggling with the idea of taking her name. I am afraid that by removing my current last name and replacing it with hers, I would be losing my identity, my history. She asked, is your Mom still part of her family? Of course, she's so clearly related, even though she took my dad's name. She also reassured me that by changing my name, it isn't going to erase all my history or my relationship to my family. I thought about that as a way to illustrate that I'm not losing my identity. I'm gaining a new family, but not losing mine. I'm clearly a member of my family and that won't go away.

After thinking about those things, I'm more confident in my decision to take Emet's name. Changing my name means something completely different than it did when Lucy Stone was around. Emet and I are both feminists and recognize how our relationship is a partnership. It's not a power struggle. We are on the same team, and it makes sense for a linking of our names to reflect that.

Have you thought about changing your name when you get married? If you are in a same-sex couple, how did you and your partner decide on last names?

A Traditional Jewish Queer Wedding?

Our beliefs and practices are informed by Orthodox Judaism, and it is important for Emet and I to have a traditional Jewish wedding as much as possible because we recognize the importance of tradition. That being said, we know that under Jewish law, our marriage will not be valid. So, we are having many discussions about which Jewish traditions we find appropriate and relevant to us and which ones we need to alter or eliminate all together.

Copyright White Rose Kallah

Traditions of a Jewish Wedding Ceremony:

• The couple does not see each other for a week prior to the wedding.
• The bride and groom go to the mikveh in order to enter into their marriage spiritually clean.
• Both the bride and the groom have separate rooms for guests to greet them prior to the wedding (kabbalat panim).
• The ketubah is signed by two Shabbat-observant men.
• After the kabbalat panim, the groom goes to the bride's room and places a veil on her, called the badeken, to symbolize that he is not solely interested in her physical beauty.
• Under the chuppah (the marriage canopy), there is the betrothal blessing (kiddushin) over wine, when the groom gives the bride a ring, and the nisu'in, when the husband unites with the wife under the chippah through the Sheva Brachot, or Seven Blessings.
• Following the ceremony, the couple goes to the yichud room, where they spend a few minutes together for the first time alone after the ceremony.

How we as a queer couple want to maintain tradition:

• We will not see each other for the week leading up to the wedding.
• We will go to a mikveh.
• While we plan to see each other prior to the Kabbalat Panim, in order to take pictures, we likely will have two separate rooms for the kabbalat panim.
• We are altering the kiddushin and the Sheva Brachot slightly to be more relevant and meaningful to us, though we are maintaining much of the wording.
• We will have the yichud, as well.

What I've learned about Jewish tradition is that while we have customs that are passed down through history, each generation has changed them to be more relevant to their lives. You may not hear this from observant Jews, but even their practices have been informed by the commentators of a generation ago, and it is important for Emet and I, as a queer couple who wants to maintain tradition to figure out a way to keep important aspects of it present in our wedding ceremony and our life.

There has been much discussion lately about religious GLBT people. Who we are, how we balance religious practice and being queer, and how we relate to each group (religious and GLBT people), as though they are separate identities. I'm very lucky that I can be an active member of both communities and that there are many, many queer Jews out there doing the exact same thing.

Getting Married - the Plan and Resources

I never really thought about my wedding. For a long time, I didn't even think about getting married. I wanted to be in a long-term partnership but I wasn't sure when that would happen and I could never picture what it would be like. So, when Emet and I decided to get married, I had no idea about what I wanted for a wedding. Yes, I wanted my family there and my friends. I wanted a celebration, but not something over-the-top ridiculous. Emet and I came up with what was important to us - friends and family present, a traditional Jewish wedding as much as possible, and not to break the bank.

We are lucky that we come from supportive families who embrace our queerness. I am the first in my family to get married (of three daughters) and Emet is the second. We are also lucky that there are a lot of resources out there for us to utilize in planning our wedding. At the same time, once you start looking on the typical wedding planning websites, you quickly recognize that the wedding industry is completely absurd. For a long time now, queer people haven't had the typical weddings as heterosexual couples planned. So it only makes sense that there isn't a lot of information on the typical wedding websites and that they are very heteronormative.

Credit: Room with a View

The whole wedding industry is very absurd to me. We are two people who want to commit to each other and want to celebrate it with our friends and family. Neither of us has been planning our wedding since the age of 2. I don't want a $3000 dress, a $7000 venue, a $1000 cake, and be the complete center of attention for approximately 14 hours. Hence, it was very difficult at the beginning of our planning process to wade through all the information for exactly what I want.

Now, as opposed to 10 years ago, there are many websites, venues, photographers, DJs, etc. that are queer-welcoming these days, and many resources are out there for the non-traditional wedding. My favorites are:
OffBeatBride.com
A Bicycle Built for Two, which profile queer/lesbian couples
While I also love the website Intimate Weddings, we are not having an intimate wedding.
I became a Pinterest user, too.
For the more traditional questions, The Knot forums and Wedding Wire are okay.

Like our relationship, Emet and I want to be very intentional about our wedding. Our ceremony is going to be very intentional, using the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony with a few of our own special additions. We have specific ideas about our reception, too. Essentially, we want to make it a good time for everyone involved and include bits of us and our story and our personalities in the reception. With that as our goal and our priorities set, it was easier to sort through all the websites to find inspiration.

Who We Are

I am a queer feminist Jew engaged to be married to Emet, my genderqueer feminist queer Jew partner. I am starting this blog (with the help of Emet, of course!) to detail our engagement and wedding along with our Jewish journey as two queers who are observant.

Emet had moved to Israel in February 2013 to learn Hebrew and more about Judaism. She was living in a town called Ra'anana and living in an absorption center with other new immigrants to Israel. Her roommates were all religious religious women and she was learning a lot from them about Judaism! She tried out the Tel Aviv gay scene but didn't particularly like it. She heard about a gathering in Jerusalem for queer women and decided to try it out, even though it was a 2.5 hour bus ride from Ra'anana.

I was living in Gedera, and I had already decided to go to Pardes in Jerusalem that fall. I felt that it would be a good opportunity to go to the gathering of queer women and make new friends.

I arrived at the gathering and went up to meet and a few others. Another woman was hitting on Emet, and I felt weird about it. Probably because she also was into Emet! Eventually the other woman left and Emet and I hit it off, talking the whole night (except for a brief period of time that a photographer and his groupies came up to talk. But even this worked out well because we got to take our first ever picture together). When it was getting late, I said I was going to go, and Emet walked to the bus stop with me, eventually getting my phone number. The next day, I texted Emet to see if she made it home ok, and we bonded over gay movies and food.

The night we met, May 2013

Somehow, I invited herself over to eat burritos in Ra’anana the next week. After going to a chocolate restaurant for a friend's birthday, we walked to a playground and talked for a long time. Emet even showed off her dance moves, and she was a perfect gentleman.

The following week was Tel Aviv pride, and we met up. While there was a huge party going on, we walked up and down the beach holding hands and kissed as the sun was setting.

While we only saw each other on weekends, we talked extensively during the week. We began to approach our relationship very intentionally. Both of us knew we wanted to get married and be committed to our partners for life. We dated in a similar way of orthodox Jewish couples -- discussing the very important issues at the beginning of the relationship and limiting physical contact. I had read the book I Only Want to Get Married Once by Chana Levitan, which really informed the way I wanted to date, and Emet knew that getting married once was a huge value for her. After discussing very important issues and getting to know each other more and more, we decided to make the commitment to each other. If you want to see how Emet surprised the heck out of me, check out our engagement video!