Changing My Name

The New York Times recently had two articles about women changing their names when they get married. The idea of changing my name when I get married has only recently been something that I've thought about more than usual. For a long time, I thought I would keep my name. I never felt that I could have any other name than the one I was born with. When I met Emet, however, it didn't seem like a big deal to change my name. I have gone back and forth on adding her last name (and thereby having two last names, essentially) or adopting her last name as my own. I'm now leaning toward adopting her name because I know it will be easier in the long run for when we have children, and it will just make more sense for us.

In college, I studied Women's and Gender Studies and learned about Lucy Stone, a 19th century suffragist whose relationship with her husband was on her own terms. She maintained her birth name, and was very public about it. After that, women who kept their birth names were known as "Stoners." This idea always appealed to me because, like I said, I couldn't imagine any other name.

Now, though, this idea doesn't resonate as much. My relationship is not about acquisition and power. Emet and I are in a partnership, and my decision to take her name will connect us publicly in a way that the might not be recognized otherwise.

People would ask about hyphenation, or a combination of our names, or both of us changing to another name, but the fact of the matter is that 1) my name is long as it is, and it's just too much to add on, and 2) we both feel strongly about our family names and tradition.

Emet asked me why I was struggling with the idea of taking her name. I am afraid that by removing my current last name and replacing it with hers, I would be losing my identity, my history. She asked, is your Mom still part of her family? Of course, she's so clearly related, even though she took my dad's name. She also reassured me that by changing my name, it isn't going to erase all my history or my relationship to my family. I thought about that as a way to illustrate that I'm not losing my identity. I'm gaining a new family, but not losing mine. I'm clearly a member of my family and that won't go away.

After thinking about those things, I'm more confident in my decision to take Emet's name. Changing my name means something completely different than it did when Lucy Stone was around. Emet and I are both feminists and recognize how our relationship is a partnership. It's not a power struggle. We are on the same team, and it makes sense for a linking of our names to reflect that.

Have you thought about changing your name when you get married? If you are in a same-sex couple, how did you and your partner decide on last names?