Preparing for the Wedding: Taking Advantage of the Engagement Period

Emet and I have been intentional in our relationship from the beginning, when I asked her on the night we met, what are your goals for the next five years? We are committed to getting married only once, not divorcing, and communicating effectively to have a happy, healthy relationship.

That being said, we both recognize that not everyone approaches a relationship the way we have, and that's why I want to write this post today.

Emet and I have been seeing our rabbi every three or four weeks since coming to LA and a few times prior to that through Facetime. These sessions have been helpful for us to discuss our own goals for the future and work on any emotional or other issues we may have. Luckily, we've been doing this for a while, so it gets easier and easier as time goes on.

We picked up two books in the last few weeks that have been helpful thus far. The Five Love Languages is a bestseller that breaks down five ways that we can show that we love each other, and while it is hetero-normative, it has some good points to think about. The other is Meeting at the Well: A Jewish Spiritual Guide to Being Engaged, published by the Union of Reform Judaism.

We have loved Meeting at the Well so far! It has given us the opportunity to talk about aspects of our parents' marriages and our childhoods that contribute to the way we approach relationships and how we our pasts will relate to our future.

The great thing about this book is that is includes stories from people and the Talmud to bring in tradition where appropriate. It's helpful especially for couples who are reclaiming or returning to a more observant Judaism. While it doesn't include everything, we have found it to be a helpful beginning point. The activities are not Jewish-specific, so even for those of you who aren't Jewish, I think the book can be very useful!

The Five Love Languages has also been useful in looking at how we each respond to different actions, and what is the most effective way that each of us feel loved. I didn't know exactly what mine was going into the book, so I'm glad I read it. I knew immediately what Emet's was, but it seemed that after she read the book, she felt there was another one that also impacted her.

The idea of the Five Love Languages is that we each grow up understanding how we feel love in different ways. They are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
& Physical Touch.
One of the five languages the author lists will be the top way for you. We found that we could rank the five ways to most important to us to the least important. What is important for this discussion of love languages is that we communicate differently based upon what is most important for us; however, what works for us might not work for our partner. If one partner needs to feel physical touch to feel loved, and the other feels that gifts are most important, they will need to be cognizant of this, and acting differently toward what works for your partner will strengthen your relationship.

I highly recommend both of these books for couples who are interested in taking advantage of being engaged and want to strengthen their relationship with their partner. Happy learning!