Monday, September 29, 2014

Emet's Perspective on the Wedding

I had a very different wedding experience than Jess did. I’m assuming that in part this is because we’re different people, but I also think that being apart for 7 days ended up meaning that we experienced things differently as well.

7 days apart was hard. It felt tortuous not to be able to see Jess for that period of time. It’s such a vulnerable period of time and you’re not able to connect with the person that you rely on the most during that period of time of intense excitement and anticipation. Not only was that difficult but the fact that we had so much coordination to avoid each other during events before the wedding was not optimal and it just came with the territory. I’m not saying that it wasn’t worth it - there was definitely a heightened emotional experience that came with it, and it was nice to be able to experience that. But I do wish every moment of everything that came before we would have be able to experience together as a shared memory- and I was definitely sad when there were times that I missed out on seeing Jess’s family or having her family and my family be together when there was so little time during the weekend.

The first part of the wedding experience that ended up varying greatly was the mikveh. We went to different mikvehs. At the one that I went to, I had a very long conversation with the attendant and a bride’s mother beforehand, so when the attendant presumed that I was a bio male, it felt very strange to get into a conversation about my gender identity. Her presumption was not anything out of the ordinary, but knowing that I had to strip down, I was wondering if it was going to be awkward. Of course, in this situation at least, the attendant did not see me naked or check to make sure that my dunks were kosher.

I was probably in the mikveh for an hour and a half doing meditations. This was very tiring for me. While this is what a lot of people want, it was not right for me. I was exhausted and over heated from being in the warm water. The place I went to was a legitimate spa, in addition to a kosher mikveh. For me, I felt that I needed to create my own spiritual experience and not have one created for me. I wanted it to be mine, and not what someone else's version of spirituality was. I would have much preferred to stick with something more traditional, but that’s something that I will know for the future.

The wedding itself seems like it happened so quickly. Almost everyday since I have returned I wonder that it actually happened. I felt like I needed a whole week after to keep celebrating because it all went too fast. I kept willing the seconds to stop, to pause, to not move forward. But they did of course keep moving, that was all part of it.

It was weird, in some ways it didn’t even feel like a wedding was about to happen. I was mostly alone or with my Mom the weekend before. I guess you somehow picture there will be a million people around you all of the time kind of like in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and everything is crazy getting ready and pictures taken right before. But I drove down myself to the hotel to get there earlier than the rest of my family, and then hung out with friends. I kept thinking that the moment would never arrive for me to get ready, and then all of a sudden it was past the time, and I madly ran into the shower and hastily threw some clothes on. My friend Milo snapped a few shots as I was getting ready and then it was time to hurry and get going. 

Getting ready
I jumped in my father-in-law’s van at the hotel and was dropped off at the synagogue. As smoothly as our wedding day went, there are always still some kinks to work out. I felt glad that I got there to be able to clarify things or help get them to where they needed to be. I was warned that at a wedding, nothing ever goes perfectly and something unexpected always happens (and no one ever really notices or finds out), but to be honest, that was not really the case with ours. Yes, were there little things. For example if we had practiced the wedding 10 times before, it would have gone more smoothly. But overall I have no complaints. It’s the nature of being a part of something with a lot of people that are all trying to accomplish many tasks.

So, then all of a sudden, I was there at the synagogue waiting for Jess, and I was so nervous. She touched my shoulder and as I turned to look at her, I just lost it emotionally. I had missed her so much and here she was, my beautiful bride, the same person she always was, but transformed into a Queen for the day.

Then everything was in fast forward - we talked to people during cocktail hour (missing many of the delicious appetizers!) and each gave our dvar torah, our moms broke a plate during the vort, and then we were off to get married. We signed the ketubah and we did the bedeken.

The moment that she walked down the aisle with her parents was so real, so emotional, it was the culmination of everything that we had been waiting for, had worked for, had planned for, and I felt so joyous and emotional all at the same time.


Once the ceremony ended we were off to yichud for a much needed moment to catch a bite to eat and reflect on the day so far. And it’s almost completely unbelievable. You don’t really even believe it. And when we got introduced and did our first dance, that was the part I was most worried about screwing up, and I thought I would be so concentrated, I would forget to smile, but it all went perfectly and I couldn’t help but smile the whole time (the practicing had paid off). 


Finally when we did the hora and were lifted up on our chairs it was like the peak of the evening, and kind of like a metaphor for life, sometimes you’re a little up and sometimes you’re a little down, but my goodness I know that being together with Jess on this life we’ve started is always going to be one hell of a ride.


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