Thoughts on Being a Parent

So much has happened in the last year. I cannot get into everything. Shortly after my last post, I gave birth to a daughter, and it's just been a whirlwind year. My relationship with Emet has grown so much, and we have learned much about the world and each other.
I wrote a private journal entry last year about going to High Holiday services with a newborn. I couldn't stay in services for long because it was time for the baby to eat again. And I wasn't even able to go to shul on Yom Kippur because of a rough night and total exhaustion.
This year, I thought maybe it would be easier to go to services, but it was actually harder. I tried to read a bit to make up for not being able to be in services, but of course, the baby needs my constant attention while Emet works (for the synagogue).
Adina Kastner, in a recent article in Times of Israel, said, "Personally, I have never felt further from Hashem than I do right now. My break from davening and learning because of my busy life as a working mother has hurt my relationship with God...I want to find the strong closeness I had back in high school, when I punctually attended teen minyan every Shabbat. I can think of no better place to get reacquainted with the Almighty than at shul."
I completely agree and feel the exact same. When I was at Pardes, I was learning every day, connecting every day, davening almost every day, and participating in all the rituals I could. I felt incredibly close to HaShem. Since returning to the US over three years ago, I struggle to feel that same connection. Emet and I were part of a lively community in Denver, and we just haven't found the same ruach in services here as we had in Israel. It's hard to have Shabbat with a baby. We can't prepare ahead of time and then dinners are often quick so we can start her bedtime routine. We don't go to Kabbalat Shabbat services because she's down by 7. We sometimes go through the service on our own, but it just isn't the same.
I recently met with a StrengthsFinder coach, and one of the things we discussed was finding time to do something that engages my strengths. Learning is one of those. Since having a child, it's been hard to find time to engage in Judaism adequately. I am taking a step to carving out time to learn this year, and I hope I won't be disappointed.
We have talked about other ways that we could connect to HaShem and Judaism, too. We are planning to erect a sukkah with hopes of inviting people to join us for meals. I realized this year that we can't depend on others to jumpstart our connection. It is on us.

For any observant parents out there - how do you do it? How do observant families manage? How do you daven at all with a young child who requires constant attention? Babysitting is not always an option. Does the parent responsible for caring for the children even go to synagogue? How do you prepare for Shabbat and holidays? Please leave a comment below and tell me your secrets!

G'mar Chatimah Tovah. May you all have a sweet New Year.

Sometimes It's Hard

As someone who tries to be more observant, sometimes it's just hard. I wonder if other people struggle with this, and I know they do, but it just seems so easy for some people.

We choose to spend Passover with family. It just doesn't feel the same without them. But at the same time, neither of our families are as observant as we are. I'm not faulting anyone. It's just the way it is. This means that their homes aren't as kosher as we'd like and they don't keep Shabbat how we do. This complicates things. During Pesach, even if we choose to avoid chametz, they won't necessarily avoid it, so there's bread, not only in the freezer, but there's a bagel being made for a child (it smells so delicious just out of the toaster), hot dog buns with our meal, or a request to eat out because we're all tired of the seder leftovers.

It's hard. Do you put your foot down and say no? Or do you carefully do your best, knowing you'll make a mistake? You can attempt to eat gluten free at a restaurant, but forget that something might be breaded. Or as a vegetarian, I'll be extremely limited because many of my food options are taken away during Pesach. We met some friends at a kosher restaurant in LA, and they had no vegetarian options. Seriously? None? Just a smattering of pickled and spicy vegetable side dishes.

I'm too hard on myself. I'm doing the best I can. Family is more important than halacha in my opinion, but I know not everyone takes that opinion. We are more flexible in our observance, and some people might judge us for that. But you know what? We are also a queer couple and some will definitely say there's no way we can be observant. We do the best we can in the way we can for what is meaningful to us. Isn't it all about meaning anyway?

Yom Kippur 5775

A new friend recently said that Yom Kippur is her favorite holiday, and at first, I was taken aback. Really? Of all the Jewish holidays that one could favor - Chanukah for presents and lighting candles, Pesach for large seders with family, even Tu B'Shvat for the celebrating trees and eating different fruits, not even mentioning Shabbat with friends, good food, and rest - of all holidays, Yom Kippur is the favorite? She explained that it's the one day she can truly focus on death and feel all sorts of emotions. It's helpful to have a day of cleansing, focusing on sadness, our faults, atonement, and hoping to be better in the year to come. Sometimes, all you need is a big cleanse to feel better. I hadn't thought of Yom Kippur that way, but it was completely true.

Each High Holiday season, I have participated in 10Q, which emails me questions each day between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. I answer the questions and then my answers are sealed in an online vault unit the following year. I get to receive my old answers the next year and then the cycle begins anew.

I realized I've been doing 10Q since 2009, and I read over all of my previous answers this year. I realized I have really changed - not only my goals and aspirations, but in terms of my knowledge as well.

I also saw that as the years went on, I became more attune to personal change. One year, I wanted to focus on saying no to others and doing what I wanted to do. Another year, I wanted to focus on being more grateful - a goal I still have. And yet in another year, I wanted to work on self-confidence and ignoring other people's opinions.

It's this time of year that I think a lot about how I can improve myself, and even when things are chaotic - like now, having just had a wedding, getting married, changing my name, moving to a new city, starting a new job, and of course working on being a better partner - I often revisit my goals and aspirations at the High Holidays because it is a time built into the year that I can do some self-reflection.

Like my friend mentioned, it's a time that you can really focus on the hard realities of life. This time of year is always hard. My aunt Rhona died on Yom Kippur in 11 years ago this year, and each year, I think back to that time. The High Holidays are always a time of self-reflection and personal goal setting as well as a time of mourning. On this one day, I give myself the space the mourn and reflect on all the ways I didn't live up to my own standards this year.

At the same time, I know that while I'm thinking of all the wrongs I have committed this year and all the bad (and good) that has happened this year, time continues to move forward, and I'm ready after Yom Kippur to face it.

Last year, being in Israel and at Pardes, it was so easy to think about all these things, but it is much more difficult now (see CHAOTIC above). Even so, I'm looking forward to Yom Kippur. I have plenty to atone for and plenty to thank Gd for.

May we all take some time, regardless of if you keep Yom Kippur or if you are Jewish, to think about the ways that we can become more aware of the ways that we can improve our world and ourselves - either through attitude, situation, or action.

גמר חתימה טובה

Tu B'Av: How Emet and I Met, Thanks (but No Thanks) to Birthright

Today is Tu B'Av, the "Jewish Valentine's Day." According to the Jewish tradition, today marks the beginning of the grape harvest, which leads to wine, which leads to...Just kidding. But today is Tu B'Av and it does mark the beginning of the grape harvest. In modern times, it has become a symbol of love.

You'll see a number of articles about Birthright and bringing together Jewish couples who eventually got married. In some ways, Emet and I have a similar story, but in many ways we do not.

Both of us went on Birthright, about 8 years apart. Birthright significantly impacted our relationship with Judaism and with Israel. For Emet, she knew that she was going to return to Israel someday. For me, I wanted to become more knowledgeable about Judaism but I thought I didn't want to return to Israel.

Fast forward to 2012, the year both of us came to Israel, separately. Emet came with her mom, who had a lifelong dream to come to Israel, and I made the trip to study and begin a volunteer program in social justice. After Emet returned from her trip to the US, she knew she was coming back, and in early 2013, she began studying Hebrew. Only three months later, we met in Jerusalem.

Like Birthright couples, Israel is the means by which we were able to meet, but unlike Birthright, we had to seek for each other, and it was no easy feat. Who would have thought that you could meet your bashert at this one gathering for queer women in Jerusalem in May 2013? Who would have thought that I was in love and knew that Emet was the one only two weeks after having met her? Ask my friend Savyonne, I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks! Who would have thought that after one year and three months from that night in Jerusalem, Emet and I would be getting married and solidifying our lives together?

Our first year has had its stresses, but it's been an amazing first year (and some). We've moved to Denver into our own apartment and are moving forward in building a life together. I can't be more grateful and thankful to those who encouraged me to return to Israel and open myself up to new opportunities and experiences. And I can't be more grateful that I met Emet, my bashert.

Happy Tu B'Av!