My Head Covering Story

I think it's about time to have a post on head coverings. Now, almost 4 months (!) after the wedding, I've been covering my hair partially or fully every day since the wedding.

Before Emet and I got married, I knew I wanted to cover my head. I spent time reading Jewish texts on the topic to determine my reason for covering and how much I was going to cover.

Jewish law requires that married women cover their hair. The origin comes from the Sotah ritual, a ceremony described in the Torah that tests the fidelity of a woman accused of adultery. In the ritual, the priest covers the accused woman's hair as part of the humiliation that precedes the ceremony (Number 5:18). From this, the Talmud concludes that under normal circumstances, women were required to cover their hair (Ketubot 72a).

The Mishnah in Ketubot (7:6) says that a woman appearing in public with uncovered hair (and talking to a man who is not her husband) is grounds for divorce and indicates that this violation is Dat Yehudit, which means Jewish rule, as opposed to Dat Moshe, which is typically considered laws from Moses. This difference in categorization suggests that hair covering is not an absolute obligation originating from Moses at Sinai, but instead is a standard of modesty that was defined by the Jewish community. Hence, the Talmud presents a compromise between Dat Moshe and Dat Yehudit with the law stating: minimal hair covering is a biblical obligation, while further standards of how and when to cover one's hair are determined by the community. The Talmud elsewhere says that uncovered hair is considered sexually erotic and prohibits men from praying in sight of a woman's hair.

From here, community standards have decided what type of head covering and how much. For example, some women cover a smaller section of their head, while other women completely cover their hair.

When I was researching types of hair covering and what I would be comfortable with, I also was thinking about WHY I wanted to cover my hair.

My reasoning for covering my hair:
1. A change in status: Covering my hair indicates that I have a change in status. I'm not single anymore.
2. To remember that there is always someone above me: HaShem and Emet are both present in my life in different ways. I think about my head covering as a way to remind myself that I am blessed every day and to remember Emet's needs.

Since I recognized that covering is not a facet of modesty for me, I determined that I don't have to cover my hair fully if I don't want to. I go back and forth between my head coverings, depending on the weather and my preference for that day. Lately, I've only worn a warm hat, which I don't take off when I'm not at home. It took my some time to master how to tie the head scarfs in a way that I liked, but I've got the hang of it now.

Some women cover their hair all the time, including in their home. I tend to uncover my head in my own home, but if we have lots of guests over, I will cover because it doesn't feel right otherwise.

I had never considered how it might make me feel to cover my head. I sometimes have dreams about leaving the house without my head covered and it feels so wrong!

I'm glad I decided to cover my hair. It helps me to connect to the past, and it keeps me grounded. I'm sure in the future, I'll change the way I cover my hair, either less or more depending on the time of year and how I'm feeling, and it feels right to me. Shabbat shalom!

I Said Yes to the Dress

My mom and I had been searching for a wedding dress since I got back from Israel that both fit my style and my budget. We had only found two options, but they weren't great. One still required sleeves to be added, and the other was so large that tailors we have called told us not to get it. So, we kept looking.

I didn't know how difficult it would be to find a dress that was modest and fairly simple that also fits in my budget. I guess if I wanted to spend $1000 on a dress, I would have more options, but actually I have found that the more expensive the dress, the gaudier it is. I was something elegant and timeless, nothing poofy, not a lot of fabric, and I don't care for a train. We wanted to get something off the rack, both for budget reasons and because Emet and I will be leaving Atlanta soon and it would be better to have something before leaving for LA.

We have looked at bridal gowns, bridesmaids dresses, prom dresses, and even quincinera dresses. Not much luck unless we wanted to order from China, and we weren't sure how reliable those are, either.

Finally, we decided we will stop in to Bridals by Lori (yes, the one from Say Yes to the Dress) because it is around the corner from my house and it had a dress that I liked online. I figured we would see the dress that I liked online and if it worked, then maybe we would find a reputable place to order it online. Instead, we found the dress, I said Yes to the Dress, and I walked out with my dress purchased from Bridals by Lori. They have been fabulous so far - we wanted to add something to the order, and it was no problem, and the salesperson called to make sure the color of the ribbon is what I wanted. I'm happy!

Finding a modest wedding dress is no easy feat, especially if you are on a budget. I've realized the wedding dress shopping is ridiculous, wedding dresses tend to be outrageous (and often ugly), and the industry can charge you a lot of money just because it says "Bridal."

When looking for a modest wedding dress, here are my suggestions:

1. Look online for LDS wedding dresses. The Mormons have similar modesty rules as Orthodox Jews, and they have a lot more online stores, specifically - LatterDayBride, A Dressy Occasion, LDS Bridal Gowns‎, Totally Modest, and AltaModa Bridal. They have a lot of different styles and budget options. I also looked at Watters, Allure Modest, and other brands that I found had sleeves.

2. Consider bridesmaids or other special occasion dresses. I found that there were more options for sleeves on bridesmaids and special occasion or formal dresses. Plus, they are less expensive than wedding gowns.

3. You can look at bridal stores, but don't expect to find anything. I looked at David's Bridal and at least another 4 or 5 other bridal stores in the Atlanta area. None had anything in my size, my budget, or my style. I tried on a LOT of dresses and quickly became discouraged. But we kept looking, and I tried on everything that was even remotely close or far from what I wanted. If it was my size, I tried it, even the ones I thought were very ugly.

4. Look into a custom made dress. If you can't find anything, see how much it would be to have a custom made dress. If you know someone who sews, you're in luck! Ask them to do it as your wedding present or offer to pay them back in-kind if you can't afford it all. I found that having a custom gown was just as expensive as buying a new gown, but I didn't know anyone who sewed.

5. Be optimistic. I didn't think that I was going to find anything. For weeks, I scoured the internet to find the style I liked, and then I spent time feeling discouraged that there wouldn't be anything out there. Despite that, I found exactly what I wanted - not at a place I expected, though. You never know where you might find it.

Modesty, Fashion, and Wedding Dresses

I've always been uncomfortable showing a lot of skin - wearing short skirts/shorts, or having low-cut shirts - and I haven't been the most fashionable person in the class. I've had clothes of varying styles over the years, but I typically would wear similar clothes for extended periods of time until those few outfits got worn out or stretched out or didn't fit anymore. Coming to Israel in 2012 and becoming more observant over the last year and a half has absolutely influenced my style and choice of clothes I like.

When I came to Israel, I knew only that people who are Orthodox Jewish cover their bodies almost completely. Now, I'm not even sure why I thought that was, except maybe because it was improper to show skin because of an idea of being ashamed of our bodies. How wrong I was! That summer, my education of modest dress began.

I previously owned only one or two very fancy skirts. I didn't like wearing skirts or dresses, and I only wore them when I dressed up for a fancy occasion. When I decided to come to Israel, I knew I would be around religious people and I knew that gender conformity was important to them. So I played the part and began buying and wearing skirts and dresses. I wasn't properly prepared to cover my arms to my elbows that summer, and I had sweaters that I wore over my tops. I got used to being hot all the time in a house with no air conditioning and being outside a lot of the time. I also got very comfortable with wearing skirts. I had no idea how amazing a skirt is in summer.

Midway through my religious program in August 2012, I decided to buy a shell, a lightweight undershirt that goes from your collarbone to passed your elbow. They also have long-sleeve ones. They are great for layering and help you stay cool, relatively, in the summer. It's much better than wearing a sweater over that shirt that isn't modest enough. I had no idea how amazing it would be to wear the shell under my tops and my dresses. I didn't have to worry if my shirt was too low for my own standards (being scared that when I'm not looking something might show that I don't want to!) or if I was being modest enough for the community I was in. I also invested in some leggings which were great. I could wear skirts without worrying about them being too short or blowing up during windy days.

A Shell by KikiRiki on Amazon.com

As the year went on and I was no longer around an Orthodox community, I was still in a conservative community. I was living in an Ethiopian Israeli community and it was important that I also maintain modesty. Getting that understanding of how to dress modestly in August was a good foundation.

At the same time, I was thinking more and more about how I wanted to be perceived and how I felt wearing more feminine clothes. I felt comfortable covering up, first of all. Second of all, I loved how I didn't get the attention from men. They assumed I was religious and so they didn't talk to or look at me. It was so freeing. It was a way, too, for me to outwardly present that I was becoming more observant and more conscious of how my present myself to others.

I feel that the way I try to dress now makes me recognize that my body is my own. Even more so than before. I feel that my body is only for me (and my partner) and it makes me feel good to cover my body in clothes that are comfortable and modest.

That being said, I started thinking about my own sense of style, what I want my style to be, and what kind of wedding dress I want to wear. More on that later!