Wednesday, January 21, 2015

My Recommendations to the Kiruv Movement as a Queer Jew Who Wanted to be Observant

During my AmeriCorps term three years ago, I was already on my journey to become more observant. I didn't know a whole lot about observant Judaism at the time, but I was going regularly to a Reform synagogue within walking distance to my apartment and teaching 5th and 6th graders about Jewish values and social justice. I also started getting involved with the Jewish community, and I met a rabbi who taught the Maimonides course at one of the local colleges. I jumped at the chance to learn more and have the chance to learn in Israel - both for free.

During the course of the spring, I learned a lot about observant Jewish thought and practice and started to understand more about observant Judaism than I had ever known.

At the same time, I developed a relationship with the rabbi and his wife and visited a lot for Shabbat and holidays. The rabbi helped me get into a Jewish learning program from women in Israel, and I even caught up with him once in Israel when I was deciding whether to stay and study or return to the US.

Credit to Chany Crystal

It turned out that a classmate of mine at Pardes was also close to this rabbi, and he outed me to the rabbi about my engagement. I'm not blaming him for outing me, as it would have happened eventually.

After that, though, I didn't hear from the rabbi again, except once in a mass email when the men praying in the synagogue in Har Nof were attacked.

I have grown to love Judaism in a way I never did before, but kiruv gave me a bad taste in my mouth, and I think there are a lot of ways queer Jews and kiruv can interact - all positively - and these are the ways I think that kiruv could improve.

1.There is a Difference Between Observant and Haredi.

When I started learning about observant Judaism, I didn't know that I was really learning about being Haredi. Following all the laws and all the observances to a T, it is all or nothing, and I remember discussing that quite a bit with women I met during my time in Israel in Haredi communities. I am observant, but not separatist. I believe that Jews should interact with modern society and with non-Jews because if we are to separate truly, how can we educate the world on who we are and what we do? I don't follow every law in halacha. For me, it's more important to use Judaism as a guide to seek meaning in this world, and that is just as "observant" as someone who follows every law. As a queer Jew, I'm blessed to have the ability to see what meaning is to me and how halacha can help me find meaning, but it is in no way the Be All and End All of being or doing Jewish.

2. There are Queer Children of Observant Families.

When kiruv ignores the fact that there are queer children in observant families, it is doing harm to these families. I've read many stories of parents who are observant and have queer children and have a hard time with their communities because the synagogue won't include them or their rabbi isn't accepting. Omitting these stories harms families and harms communities. It makes people think that observant Jews don't have queers among them, which we all know is completely false. If our goal is to bring more Jews to observant Judaism, the kiruv movement is going to have to acknowledge that queers exist.

3.  Being Observant is not in Conflict with Being Queer.

There are many ways to be observant, and there are many ways to be queer. They don't have to be exclusive, but kiruv only allows for one kind of Judaism.

I have learned so much about Judaism and how I want to live my Jewish life with my partner. A lot of that was sparked by my experience with kiruv, but it only got me so far. I'm glad I had the opportunity, but I also know that I didn't want to lead a Haredi life.

There are so many things that we can learn from observant Judaism, but that doesn't mean that everyone has to follow it exactly as you do. Instead of dropping someone once you realize they won't exactly be the Jew you want them to be, it is better to continue that relationship because we can both learn a lot from the other. I think after all this, I'm disappointed that I will never be seen as an observant Jew because I'm queer. As someone who keeps kosher and Shabbat, as someone who strives to continue learning as much as possible, and as someone who has taken on head covering and modest dress, I would disagree.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Relationship Fun on a Budget

Emet and I spent so much time at the beginning of our relationship talking about real issues. Finances, children, health, and goals. These are the things are really matter in a relationship, but a relationship cannot be comprised solely of these parts. Love and affection and enjoying each other's company is also a part of the relationship. Growing together. Doing things together and apart. Growing as individuals. These are just as important.

Emet and I have made a commitment to each other to have new experiences together as frequently as possible, and we are lucky that we've had so many chances. A lot of the activities we do are low-cost, as we are living on a budget, but every once in a while, we splurge, and it's makes all the difference.

These activities and others keep us excited. Experiencing new things TOGETHER is a must. These are just a few of the activities we have done as a couple. We have many more items on our list of things to do. For one of Emet's birthdays, I made her a Jar of Dates. Using popsicle sticks, I wrote three tiers - at-home activities, cheap dates, and dates needing more planning and more money. We are slowly making our way through them. Obviously, there are more at-home and cheap date ideas, but we've been fortunate to do some of the more effort-intensive items as well.



Low-cost

  1. Go walking. Emet and I love to take walks. In Israel, we walked along the Rakevet (old train tracks converted into a walking trail) a few nights a week, even when it was cold. It's harder here in Denver with the snow, but we just bundle up and bear it. We feel better afterwards, and it gives us a chance to chat without the distractions of the computer. It's also a GREAT Shabbat afternoon activity if it's too late to nap!
  2. Draw portraits of each other.
  3. Write a list of what you want in your future home.
  4. Write a bucket list (places to travel, classes to take, things to learn).
  5. Craft Night
  6. Cook together/Bake together
  7. Museum free days. These end up being on Shabbat, usually, so we can't go, but if you can, it's a great way to go to museums!
  8. Have dinner with friends.
  9. Study together. We started a Beit Midrash with some friends, so once a month, we get together and learn texts. It's a great way to get some learning in.
  10. Go on free factory tours. When my parents visited, we went to a whiskey distillery, a brewery, and a tea factory. There are many more brewery tours, and if you are into drinking beer, find all the tours you can do. They often have free samples afterwards.
  11. Play music together. We have a cuatro (a four-stringed guitar from Venezuela) and a ukulele. We aren't very good, but it's fun to play around with them.
  12. Volunteer! We are planning to volunteer at a queer conference coming to Denver in February. We also volunteer for the minyan we are a part of, and that keeps us busy!

More Money Involved

  1. Shows, performances, and sports events, such as the circus, the symphony, the opera, a Colorado Avalanche game, Disney on Ince, etc. You can frequently get discounts for these if you are a teacher or have a student ID. We were lucky to acquire free tickets to most of these!
  2. Go to a new restaurant.
  3. Visit a museum. I couldn't wait to see "Cartier in the 20th Century" at the Denver Art Museum, which ended up being amazing. At the same time, we walked around the museum, and looked at textiles and some other art. The museum had a discount for couples going in the evening, so we got cheaper tickets!
  4. Get cheap massages from a massage school. While you won't get a couples massage, it is still a decent massage for a half or quarter the price.
  5. Take a class together. We took a business class together, which ended up not being as interesting as we thought, but I want to take a dance class or a cooking class in the future.
  6. Go dancing! We go to a gay country bar whenever we get the chance. They even provide a free drink ticket if you participate in the dance class earlier in the night.
  7. Travel. Before we started working, we made an effort to travel as much as we could. Now that we are working, it's more difficult, but we can make time. Having a three or four day weekend trip is just as nice and oftentimes better and less stressful than a one week or two week vacation.
What's missing from the list? Anything you want to add?