My Recommendations to the Kiruv Movement as a Queer Jew Who Wanted to be Observant

During my AmeriCorps term three years ago, I was already on my journey to become more observant. I didn't know a whole lot about observant Judaism at the time, but I was going regularly to a Reform synagogue within walking distance to my apartment and teaching 5th and 6th graders about Jewish values and social justice. I also started getting involved with the Jewish community, and I met a rabbi who taught the Maimonides course at one of the local colleges. I jumped at the chance to learn more and have the chance to learn in Israel - both for free.

During the course of the spring, I learned a lot about observant Jewish thought and practice and started to understand more about observant Judaism than I had ever known.

At the same time, I developed a relationship with the rabbi and his wife and visited a lot for Shabbat and holidays. The rabbi helped me get into a Jewish learning program from women in Israel, and I even caught up with him once in Israel when I was deciding whether to stay and study or return to the US.

Credit to Chany Crystal

It turned out that a classmate of mine at Pardes was also close to this rabbi, and he outed me to the rabbi about my engagement. I'm not blaming him for outing me, as it would have happened eventually.

After that, though, I didn't hear from the rabbi again, except once in a mass email when the men praying in the synagogue in Har Nof were attacked.

I have grown to love Judaism in a way I never did before, but kiruv gave me a bad taste in my mouth, and I think there are a lot of ways queer Jews and kiruv can interact - all positively - and these are the ways I think that kiruv could improve.

1.There is a Difference Between Observant and Haredi.

When I started learning about observant Judaism, I didn't know that I was really learning about being Haredi. Following all the laws and all the observances to a T, it is all or nothing, and I remember discussing that quite a bit with women I met during my time in Israel in Haredi communities. I am observant, but not separatist. I believe that Jews should interact with modern society and with non-Jews because if we are to separate truly, how can we educate the world on who we are and what we do? I don't follow every law in halacha. For me, it's more important to use Judaism as a guide to seek meaning in this world, and that is just as "observant" as someone who follows every law. As a queer Jew, I'm blessed to have the ability to see what meaning is to me and how halacha can help me find meaning, but it is in no way the Be All and End All of being or doing Jewish.

2. There are Queer Children of Observant Families.

When kiruv ignores the fact that there are queer children in observant families, it is doing harm to these families. I've read many stories of parents who are observant and have queer children and have a hard time with their communities because the synagogue won't include them or their rabbi isn't accepting. Omitting these stories harms families and harms communities. It makes people think that observant Jews don't have queers among them, which we all know is completely false. If our goal is to bring more Jews to observant Judaism, the kiruv movement is going to have to acknowledge that queers exist.

3.  Being Observant is not in Conflict with Being Queer.

There are many ways to be observant, and there are many ways to be queer. They don't have to be exclusive, but kiruv only allows for one kind of Judaism.

I have learned so much about Judaism and how I want to live my Jewish life with my partner. A lot of that was sparked by my experience with kiruv, but it only got me so far. I'm glad I had the opportunity, but I also know that I didn't want to lead a Haredi life.

There are so many things that we can learn from observant Judaism, but that doesn't mean that everyone has to follow it exactly as you do. Instead of dropping someone once you realize they won't exactly be the Jew you want them to be, it is better to continue that relationship because we can both learn a lot from the other. I think after all this, I'm disappointed that I will never be seen as an observant Jew because I'm queer. As someone who keeps kosher and Shabbat, as someone who strives to continue learning as much as possible, and as someone who has taken on head covering and modest dress, I would disagree.

My Head Covering Story

I think it's about time to have a post on head coverings. Now, almost 4 months (!) after the wedding, I've been covering my hair partially or fully every day since the wedding.

Before Emet and I got married, I knew I wanted to cover my head. I spent time reading Jewish texts on the topic to determine my reason for covering and how much I was going to cover.

Jewish law requires that married women cover their hair. The origin comes from the Sotah ritual, a ceremony described in the Torah that tests the fidelity of a woman accused of adultery. In the ritual, the priest covers the accused woman's hair as part of the humiliation that precedes the ceremony (Number 5:18). From this, the Talmud concludes that under normal circumstances, women were required to cover their hair (Ketubot 72a).

The Mishnah in Ketubot (7:6) says that a woman appearing in public with uncovered hair (and talking to a man who is not her husband) is grounds for divorce and indicates that this violation is Dat Yehudit, which means Jewish rule, as opposed to Dat Moshe, which is typically considered laws from Moses. This difference in categorization suggests that hair covering is not an absolute obligation originating from Moses at Sinai, but instead is a standard of modesty that was defined by the Jewish community. Hence, the Talmud presents a compromise between Dat Moshe and Dat Yehudit with the law stating: minimal hair covering is a biblical obligation, while further standards of how and when to cover one's hair are determined by the community. The Talmud elsewhere says that uncovered hair is considered sexually erotic and prohibits men from praying in sight of a woman's hair.

From here, community standards have decided what type of head covering and how much. For example, some women cover a smaller section of their head, while other women completely cover their hair.

When I was researching types of hair covering and what I would be comfortable with, I also was thinking about WHY I wanted to cover my hair.

My reasoning for covering my hair:
1. A change in status: Covering my hair indicates that I have a change in status. I'm not single anymore.
2. To remember that there is always someone above me: HaShem and Emet are both present in my life in different ways. I think about my head covering as a way to remind myself that I am blessed every day and to remember Emet's needs.

Since I recognized that covering is not a facet of modesty for me, I determined that I don't have to cover my hair fully if I don't want to. I go back and forth between my head coverings, depending on the weather and my preference for that day. Lately, I've only worn a warm hat, which I don't take off when I'm not at home. It took my some time to master how to tie the head scarfs in a way that I liked, but I've got the hang of it now.

Some women cover their hair all the time, including in their home. I tend to uncover my head in my own home, but if we have lots of guests over, I will cover because it doesn't feel right otherwise.

I had never considered how it might make me feel to cover my head. I sometimes have dreams about leaving the house without my head covered and it feels so wrong!

I'm glad I decided to cover my hair. It helps me to connect to the past, and it keeps me grounded. I'm sure in the future, I'll change the way I cover my hair, either less or more depending on the time of year and how I'm feeling, and it feels right to me. Shabbat shalom!

The Wedding

We got married! Just in case you were holding your breath to hear that. Everything went so well, and the wedding was over so quickly!

The week leading up to the wedding was hard. Being separated was very, very difficult. When we were about to part on the Sunday prior to the wedding, there were lots of tears and questions about why we separating, but we did it after discussing the reasons why. It gave us a week of anticipation, nervousness, wonder, and emotions. I cried a lot. It's hard being separated from your partner for a week, especially for us, since we have been so incredibly lucky to have so much time together. All week, we sent notes back and forth and we texted. Because we planned a lot of the wedding details ourselves, we needed to be able to discuss when we had issues. Even so, we knew we wouldn't text over Shabbat, the day before the wedding, and we agreed not to text the day of the wedding.

Emet left Wednesday night for LA, and I went on Thursday. Once we were in LA, things felt more real. I met my family at the airport and we drove up to the suburbs to get together the gift bags and some other things. It was weird being back there without seeing Emet. Then, back in LA, our family started to arrive, and it was so unreal. By Friday, Emet and I were both hoping Shabbat would go quickly, since we weren't texting. I ended up hanging out with my parents and my grandmother, taking a nap (since I hadn't slept well in over a week), and generally stayed put in the hotel room, reading.

Saturday night, Emet and I had to play Tetris in the hotel during the dinner, and we assigned my sisters to make sure that we wouldn't see each other. When Emet was downstairs at dinner, I was in the room. Then they moved Emet to a safe location, and I appeared in the dining room. It was weird to know that our guests saw Emet, but she was elusive to me.

I expected Sunday, the day of the wedding, to be chaotic and nerve-wrecking, but it was so smooth. I davened in the morning, spending time thinking about every person who both wanted a prayer and who I thought needed one. I expected to feel more spiritual on the wedding day than I did, but it was still good.

During the morning, it seemed time dragged on, and I couldn't wait to see Emet. I hung out with my sisters for a while, and eventually we went to get our hair done. I was extremely hesitant to do this, since I wanted my hair to look natural, nothing over the top. It ended up being perfect. The hairdresser who did my hair had married his boyfriend the year before, and I'm pretty sure that we were the only English speaking clients. They were amazing, though. He put in the veil and we were all very satisfied with their friendliness and their work.

After our hair appointments

Then, I stayed in the room getting ready with my sisters. Devon took some amazing photos, as usual.

All of a sudden, it was time to go to the synagogue! I didn't want anyone to see me so when we went down to get in the car to go to the synagogue, my sisters played "Secret Service Agents" again and made sure there was no one to see me. We got to the synagogue and I was nervous to see Emet, after having not seen her for a week.

Just before I went down to see Emet for the first time

Our photographer was there, as were our videographers, and I didn't know how everything would work. Luckily, I was too preoccupied to think about the things that could go wrong that day! In that last photo, there were stairs to the right, and I went down them to see Emet. I could see her back, and then suddenly I was there behind her. I put my hand on her shoulder, and she turned around and started crying. We both started crying. It was just the two of us, there in time. I know there were others around us, but it didn't matter.

After a little while, our families came and we continued with photos. Then, everyone started showing up, and time just wouldn't stay still.

We greeted everyone, our mothers broke a plate, we gave dvar Torahs, and then we moved into the room to sign the ketubah. It is completely gorgeous, specially done for us by our friend, and it's just perfect. Once we signed the ketubah, Emet put the veil over my face - I was crying. I'm pretty sure everyone was crying in the room. Our families and two witnesses plus the photographer and videographers were all in the room with us and the rabbi and cantor.

I remember walking down the hall to get to the back of the sanctuary. My parents held my hands tight. I was jittery. When I got down to the bottom of the aisle, where Emet was, she started outright bawling. It was so sweet and authentic.

The ceremony was a blur. I was there, but it was just fast. I got nervous reading the Hebrew at the end of our vows. Our rabbi was absolutely amazing and our cantor did such a great job. We couldn't have been happier with our choices for the ceremony. It was a mostly traditional wedding service, though we altered the Sheva Brachot slightly. At one point, I was told afterward that everyone up on the bimah with us (our families) was crying. It was just so moving. Emet mainly broke the glass - I attempted to help, but let's be honest, her shoes were better equipped for breaking glass.

The sanctuary

Then we were alone in yichud. Thankfully, there was some food, which was delicious, and we savored the 30 minutes alone that we had.

The rest of the night just came and went. We did our first dance, hopefully staying on beat the entire time to "The Anniversary Song." Unfortunately for us, the synagogue only had folding chairs, so for the hora, I was terrified either Emet or I would fall, so it only lasted a few rounds of the song. Thankfully, we did not get injured. Our caterer was fabulous, our DJ was right on, and everything was perfect. Our parents and sisters gave toasts. We danced, we ate a little, we threw a stuffed pomegranate (instead of a bouquet), and we cut and ate some cake that had our small clay pomegranates that we bought at Yad Lakashish on it. The cake was white with white frosting and strawberries. It was delicious.

Our tables

Overall, the entire day was amazing, and we can't wait to get more pictures back from our photographer and the video! All these photos are what were uploaded on to WedPics. If you want to see more photos, email me and I can send you the code to see them.

Thank you to everyone who joined us and made the day special. We can't wait to continue celebrating this year and into the future. We are so thankful and grateful of everyone who helped us get to this day - our families, our rabbi, our friends both here in the US and in Israel, our photographer, caterer, videographers, and DJ. It was amazing. We couldn't have asked for anything better.

The end of the night!

Shabbat shalom!!

I Said Yes to the Dress

My mom and I had been searching for a wedding dress since I got back from Israel that both fit my style and my budget. We had only found two options, but they weren't great. One still required sleeves to be added, and the other was so large that tailors we have called told us not to get it. So, we kept looking.

I didn't know how difficult it would be to find a dress that was modest and fairly simple that also fits in my budget. I guess if I wanted to spend $1000 on a dress, I would have more options, but actually I have found that the more expensive the dress, the gaudier it is. I was something elegant and timeless, nothing poofy, not a lot of fabric, and I don't care for a train. We wanted to get something off the rack, both for budget reasons and because Emet and I will be leaving Atlanta soon and it would be better to have something before leaving for LA.

We have looked at bridal gowns, bridesmaids dresses, prom dresses, and even quincinera dresses. Not much luck unless we wanted to order from China, and we weren't sure how reliable those are, either.

Finally, we decided we will stop in to Bridals by Lori (yes, the one from Say Yes to the Dress) because it is around the corner from my house and it had a dress that I liked online. I figured we would see the dress that I liked online and if it worked, then maybe we would find a reputable place to order it online. Instead, we found the dress, I said Yes to the Dress, and I walked out with my dress purchased from Bridals by Lori. They have been fabulous so far - we wanted to add something to the order, and it was no problem, and the salesperson called to make sure the color of the ribbon is what I wanted. I'm happy!

Finding a modest wedding dress is no easy feat, especially if you are on a budget. I've realized the wedding dress shopping is ridiculous, wedding dresses tend to be outrageous (and often ugly), and the industry can charge you a lot of money just because it says "Bridal."

When looking for a modest wedding dress, here are my suggestions:

1. Look online for LDS wedding dresses. The Mormons have similar modesty rules as Orthodox Jews, and they have a lot more online stores, specifically - LatterDayBride, A Dressy Occasion, LDS Bridal Gowns‎, Totally Modest, and AltaModa Bridal. They have a lot of different styles and budget options. I also looked at Watters, Allure Modest, and other brands that I found had sleeves.

2. Consider bridesmaids or other special occasion dresses. I found that there were more options for sleeves on bridesmaids and special occasion or formal dresses. Plus, they are less expensive than wedding gowns.

3. You can look at bridal stores, but don't expect to find anything. I looked at David's Bridal and at least another 4 or 5 other bridal stores in the Atlanta area. None had anything in my size, my budget, or my style. I tried on a LOT of dresses and quickly became discouraged. But we kept looking, and I tried on everything that was even remotely close or far from what I wanted. If it was my size, I tried it, even the ones I thought were very ugly.

4. Look into a custom made dress. If you can't find anything, see how much it would be to have a custom made dress. If you know someone who sews, you're in luck! Ask them to do it as your wedding present or offer to pay them back in-kind if you can't afford it all. I found that having a custom gown was just as expensive as buying a new gown, but I didn't know anyone who sewed.

5. Be optimistic. I didn't think that I was going to find anything. For weeks, I scoured the internet to find the style I liked, and then I spent time feeling discouraged that there wouldn't be anything out there. Despite that, I found exactly what I wanted - not at a place I expected, though. You never know where you might find it.

Modesty, Fashion, and Wedding Dresses

I've always been uncomfortable showing a lot of skin - wearing short skirts/shorts, or having low-cut shirts - and I haven't been the most fashionable person in the class. I've had clothes of varying styles over the years, but I typically would wear similar clothes for extended periods of time until those few outfits got worn out or stretched out or didn't fit anymore. Coming to Israel in 2012 and becoming more observant over the last year and a half has absolutely influenced my style and choice of clothes I like.

When I came to Israel, I knew only that people who are Orthodox Jewish cover their bodies almost completely. Now, I'm not even sure why I thought that was, except maybe because it was improper to show skin because of an idea of being ashamed of our bodies. How wrong I was! That summer, my education of modest dress began.

I previously owned only one or two very fancy skirts. I didn't like wearing skirts or dresses, and I only wore them when I dressed up for a fancy occasion. When I decided to come to Israel, I knew I would be around religious people and I knew that gender conformity was important to them. So I played the part and began buying and wearing skirts and dresses. I wasn't properly prepared to cover my arms to my elbows that summer, and I had sweaters that I wore over my tops. I got used to being hot all the time in a house with no air conditioning and being outside a lot of the time. I also got very comfortable with wearing skirts. I had no idea how amazing a skirt is in summer.

Midway through my religious program in August 2012, I decided to buy a shell, a lightweight undershirt that goes from your collarbone to passed your elbow. They also have long-sleeve ones. They are great for layering and help you stay cool, relatively, in the summer. It's much better than wearing a sweater over that shirt that isn't modest enough. I had no idea how amazing it would be to wear the shell under my tops and my dresses. I didn't have to worry if my shirt was too low for my own standards (being scared that when I'm not looking something might show that I don't want to!) or if I was being modest enough for the community I was in. I also invested in some leggings which were great. I could wear skirts without worrying about them being too short or blowing up during windy days.

A Shell by KikiRiki on Amazon.com

As the year went on and I was no longer around an Orthodox community, I was still in a conservative community. I was living in an Ethiopian Israeli community and it was important that I also maintain modesty. Getting that understanding of how to dress modestly in August was a good foundation.

At the same time, I was thinking more and more about how I wanted to be perceived and how I felt wearing more feminine clothes. I felt comfortable covering up, first of all. Second of all, I loved how I didn't get the attention from men. They assumed I was religious and so they didn't talk to or look at me. It was so freeing. It was a way, too, for me to outwardly present that I was becoming more observant and more conscious of how my present myself to others.

I feel that the way I try to dress now makes me recognize that my body is my own. Even more so than before. I feel that my body is only for me (and my partner) and it makes me feel good to cover my body in clothes that are comfortable and modest.

That being said, I started thinking about my own sense of style, what I want my style to be, and what kind of wedding dress I want to wear. More on that later!