My Recommendations to the Kiruv Movement as a Queer Jew Who Wanted to be Observant

During my AmeriCorps term three years ago, I was already on my journey to become more observant. I didn't know a whole lot about observant Judaism at the time, but I was going regularly to a Reform synagogue within walking distance to my apartment and teaching 5th and 6th graders about Jewish values and social justice. I also started getting involved with the Jewish community, and I met a rabbi who taught the Maimonides course at one of the local colleges. I jumped at the chance to learn more and have the chance to learn in Israel - both for free.

During the course of the spring, I learned a lot about observant Jewish thought and practice and started to understand more about observant Judaism than I had ever known.

At the same time, I developed a relationship with the rabbi and his wife and visited a lot for Shabbat and holidays. The rabbi helped me get into a Jewish learning program from women in Israel, and I even caught up with him once in Israel when I was deciding whether to stay and study or return to the US.

Credit to Chany Crystal

It turned out that a classmate of mine at Pardes was also close to this rabbi, and he outed me to the rabbi about my engagement. I'm not blaming him for outing me, as it would have happened eventually.

After that, though, I didn't hear from the rabbi again, except once in a mass email when the men praying in the synagogue in Har Nof were attacked.

I have grown to love Judaism in a way I never did before, but kiruv gave me a bad taste in my mouth, and I think there are a lot of ways queer Jews and kiruv can interact - all positively - and these are the ways I think that kiruv could improve.

1.There is a Difference Between Observant and Haredi.

When I started learning about observant Judaism, I didn't know that I was really learning about being Haredi. Following all the laws and all the observances to a T, it is all or nothing, and I remember discussing that quite a bit with women I met during my time in Israel in Haredi communities. I am observant, but not separatist. I believe that Jews should interact with modern society and with non-Jews because if we are to separate truly, how can we educate the world on who we are and what we do? I don't follow every law in halacha. For me, it's more important to use Judaism as a guide to seek meaning in this world, and that is just as "observant" as someone who follows every law. As a queer Jew, I'm blessed to have the ability to see what meaning is to me and how halacha can help me find meaning, but it is in no way the Be All and End All of being or doing Jewish.

2. There are Queer Children of Observant Families.

When kiruv ignores the fact that there are queer children in observant families, it is doing harm to these families. I've read many stories of parents who are observant and have queer children and have a hard time with their communities because the synagogue won't include them or their rabbi isn't accepting. Omitting these stories harms families and harms communities. It makes people think that observant Jews don't have queers among them, which we all know is completely false. If our goal is to bring more Jews to observant Judaism, the kiruv movement is going to have to acknowledge that queers exist.

3.  Being Observant is not in Conflict with Being Queer.

There are many ways to be observant, and there are many ways to be queer. They don't have to be exclusive, but kiruv only allows for one kind of Judaism.

I have learned so much about Judaism and how I want to live my Jewish life with my partner. A lot of that was sparked by my experience with kiruv, but it only got me so far. I'm glad I had the opportunity, but I also know that I didn't want to lead a Haredi life.

There are so many things that we can learn from observant Judaism, but that doesn't mean that everyone has to follow it exactly as you do. Instead of dropping someone once you realize they won't exactly be the Jew you want them to be, it is better to continue that relationship because we can both learn a lot from the other. I think after all this, I'm disappointed that I will never be seen as an observant Jew because I'm queer. As someone who keeps kosher and Shabbat, as someone who strives to continue learning as much as possible, and as someone who has taken on head covering and modest dress, I would disagree.